Thursday Aug 05 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Spirit Airlines has become the first airline to charge passengers $45 for carry-on bags. Not only that, there's a $20 fee if you want a seat cushion. And five bucks more if you want one that floats.
Spirit Airlines is also considering charging passengers an $8 fee to talk to a human at the airport, instead of doing it online. A fee just to talk to someone. Who do these people think they are, a bank?
In Portland, Oregon, a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand was shut down by the police because she didn't get a $120 business license. On the bright side, by closing her business, she's now eligible for a $108,000 government bailout.
A British ice cream company is now selling an adults-only ice cream made with Viagra. They say their goal is to create a popsicle that will never melt.
Late Show with David Letterman
King Tut’s chariot is in town. Right now, it’s circling the block looking for a spot.
A woman in South Carolina found a cheeseburger in her gas tank. Not only that, but the car’s cholesterol was 400.
The Salahis, White House party crashers, have their own show now. On their show, they have a party and President Obama crashes it.
Sarah Palin is criticizing the president’s visit to “The View” as a cheap TV stunt. Then she went camping with Kate Gosselin.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear On Your Summer Vacation
"Wow, nice shark bite"
"I got us a great discount if we agree to be drug mules"
"We can't afford Disney World. We're taking you kids to Carpet World"
"Please, do as the Somali pirates say"
"Dude, you don't remember hooking up with Snooki?"
"Your parents didn't tell you this was fat camp?"
"Do you want a room facing the pool or the mountainous border region of Pakistan?"
"Close your eyes while swimming or the oil will blind you"
"I got us Orioles tickets!"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It’s been more than 24 hours since the court struck down California’s ban on gay marriage, but celebrations in San Francisco have been postponed until Friday. Well, there was a rerun of “Glee,” so they had to wait.
President Obama had dinner with Oprah for his birthday. Oprah said it was nice to have dinner with the leader of the free world — and President Obama.
A new poll named Honolulu the most romantic city in America. I found that out today when I was googling “romantic polls.”
Hawaii is the newest of all the states. Now we have a nice even 50. Sorry, Puerto Rico.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Yesterday was President Obama’s birthday. He turned 49 years old, if you believe the liberal media.
The president had dinner with Oprah in Chicago. Even Justin Bieber doesn’t get to do that.
They ate at Bistronomics, which offers four-star dining at reasonable prices. Not to be confused with Bistronetics, which features the cuisine of L. Ron Hubbard.
They announced that Rosie O’Donnell will do a talk show on the Oprah Channel. I foresee personality conflicts.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
A judge in California overturned the state’s gay marriage ban yesterday. Don't get too excited, though — he doesn't plan on telling his parents until Thanksgiving.
The White House is planning a small belated birthday party for President Obama on Sunday, when Michelle and Sasha are back from Spain. It’ll be a small intimate gathering. You know, just friends, family, the Salahis . . .
A teacher in Britain quit her job to become a stripper. Well, in these tough economic times, sometimes you have to resort to making five times as much money.
A woman in Houston just gave birth to a healthy set of quintuplets. The mom says she’s excited about her babies, and can’t wait to watch them grow up on whatever channel gives them a reality show.