President Obama’s new message to the American people is “things could be a lot worse.” We’ve gone from “change you can believe in” to “things could be a lot worse.” The sequel is never as good as the original.

BP announced that as a result of their own internal investigation, it has cleared itself of all blame in the Gulf oil spill. In a related story, Congressman Charlie Rangel has announced that he will be investigating himself and will find himself completely innocent.

An American named Bob Dudley is BP’s new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said this week that “Jersey Shore” is giving New Jersey a bad name. As opposed to the good, clean, inspirational shows about New Jersey, like “The Sopranos.”

King Tut’s chariot is in New York City for two weeks, then it goes right back to Jay Leno’s garage.

King Tut used the chariot on his first date with Barbara Walters.

Elmhurst, Illinois is going to outlaw eye-rolling. So what happens if John McCain shows up and says he still thinks he made the right choice with Sarah Palin?

BP CEO Tony Hayward is being sent to a project in Siberia. He wants to go to a part of the planet that hasn’t been ruined yet.

Revealed secret recipe for Ayman Al-Zawahiri's "Easy Cheesy Potato Casserole"

Intelligence agencies have almost deciphered the plot of "Inception"

Outlined the Knicks’ failed strategy to get LeBron

Terror chatter is at its lowest during "Cake Boss"

Al-Qaida canceled plan to destroy Gulf of Mexico when BP beat them to it

Haven't found Osama's cave, but did find his "man cave" with a sweet 65-inch flat screen

Despite stern memo from Kathy Mavrikakis, documents weren't printed double-sided

Discovered classified location of Chelsea Clinton's wedding

Obama and Osama almost appeared with Oprah in Tostitos Super Bowl commercial

Turns out the 9-year, no-end-in-sight Afghan war isn't going well

Justin Bieber will be appearing on “CSI.” Producers said they are going with Bieber because they’re trying to make murder look more adorable.

The season finale of “Through the Wormhole With Morgan Freeman” is on the Science Channel this week. It’s narrated by Morgan Freeman. What a surprise.

The show is about the cosmos and philosophical questions like “How did we get here,” “Are we alone in the universe,” and “What the hell is wrong with Mel Gibson.”

Aliens are probably watching the show right now. Let me tell you, aliens, if you land in Arizona, you better have your papers.

Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she’s doing a Nazi salute. Let’s be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice.

Microsoft is getting ready to debut a brand new slogan, a three-word motto: “Control, Alt, Delete.”

The heat in Washington D.C. was so bad today, that the Supreme Court had to wear their emergency sleeveless robes.

Mark Ruffalo has signed on to be the new Incredible Hulk. When he heard this, Mel Gibson was like, “Did they even listen to my audition tapes?"

President Obama is going on a 10-day vacation to Martha’s Vineyard in August. Obama was like, “This is my longest vacation ever,” and voters were like, “Wait’ll you see the one we’re planning for you!”

A woman wrote on Twitter that she is getting plastic surgery to look like Kim Kardashian so that her husband won’t leave her. They must have some weird fights. “You never do the dishes!” “Well you never — look exactly like Kim Kardashian!”

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice performed a duet with Aretha Franklin at a charity event. Not to be outdone, President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles.