Wednesday Jul 21 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
This week in 1944, a bomb intended for Adolf Hitler exploded but failed to kill him. It was a defective device called the Apple iBomb. It would have worked but Hitler was holding it wrong.
Newspaper circulation has fallen to a new low and they say they are becoming obsolete. To give you an idea of how bad it is, today I saw a guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face.
For the seventh year in a row, Tiger Woods topped the Sports Illustrated list of highest-paid athletes. No. 1 is Tiger Woods, and No. 2 is his wife.
As you know, Lindsay Lohan began serving her 90-day sentence. If it's anything like her recent movies, she'll probably be out for two weeks and then go directly to cable.
Late Show with David Letterman
I know everyone is a little depressed because Lindsay Lohan is in jail, but look at it this way — our streets are safe.
Mayor Michael Bloomberg proposed turning the city’s excess dumpsters into swimming pools. Nothing says summer in New York City like packing a picnic lunch and heading to the dumpster.
The CEO of British Petroleum is leaving his job. It’s not official, it just leaked out.
Bristol Palin is getting married to Levi Johnston. Sarah Palin is so excited that she can’t even make up words to express how thrilled she is.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During Lindsay Lohan’s First Night In Jail
“Your orange prison jumpsuit matches your fake tan”
“Aren’t delousings fun?”
“I hope they have ‘OK’ magazine in the library”
“Liquor served out of the toilet? What is this, David Spade’s house?”
“Just think of it as a really bad spa”
“Who made the chipped beef, Wolfgang Puck?”
“It’s Hollywood — everyone goes to prison”
“Why can’t we get an A-list celebrity like Meryl Streep?”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
In London, they’ve just opened the first ice cream truck exclusively for dogs. It has a wide variety of flavors including “Cookies and Cat” and “Fire Hydrant Crunch.”
The man who invented the black box used in airplanes has died. The cause of death was too many comedians saying, “Why don’t they just make the whole plane out of the black box?”
Dentists always tell you that X-rays are harmless, and then they throw this lead blanket on you and leave the room.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s Lindsay Lohan’s second day of a 90-day sentence. They say she’ll probably only be there for two weeks, which is barely enough time to learn how to use a spork.
Donald Trump has been considered for the new “American Idol” judge. When I think music, I think Donald Trump.
It was announced that the cast of “Jersey Shore” has reached a deal with MTV and they will get more money. Thank God, if not for us, for our children’s’ sake.
President Obama signed into law a sweeping financial reform. The law started out strong, but got watered down as it went through Congress. Basically, the law now says that Wall Street has to wait an hour after eating to go swimming.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
The big comic book convention, Comic-Con, starts tomorrow in San Diego. This is a week-long convention of comic books, science fiction, video games, and other forms of birth control.
British Prime Minister David Cameron is visiting the U.S. and yesterday he and President Obama gave each other pieces of art. That really wasn’t necessary, Britain. You’ve already given us a huge oil painting.
A man in Colorado designed a car where passengers sit on two toilet seats. It’s great. When a cop pulls you over and knocks on your window, you can just yell, “Someone’s in here!"
Sports Illustrated just reported that Tiger Woods made $90 million over the last year. Or as Elin Nordegren calls it, “$45 million."