It’s so hot down in Washington D.C. today that President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate.
We just had the Gay Pride Parade. The parade route started at West 12th St. and ended at Harvey Fierstein’s beach house.
Up in Toronto, they’re having the big G-20 summit and protesters smashed windows and overturned cars. They just found out the Lakers won.
Actually, it’s not the G-20 anymore, it’s the G-19. Ghana eliminated the United States.
"I'm exhausted"
"We've been playing so long, I've forgotten — am I Isner or Mahut?"
"Remember when I said I'm exhausted? That was eight hours ago!"
"Wonder if I'll be sore tomorrow"
"I'm gonna lay back until 51-50, then make my move"
"I'm asleep"
"Why couldn't I have played Federer? It would have been over in 15 minutes"
"Cramp!"
"Honestly, I don't care if I win or lose — I just don't want to die"
"Larry King has had marriages that didn't last this long"
I just went shark-diving in the Bahamas. Unfortunately for CBS, I came back in one piece.
If you’ve never been to the Bahamas, imagine Fantasy Island but without the midget.
Sharks are the most dangerous thing in the ocean — apart from BP.
Ghana knocked us out of the last World Cup but I assure you we will crunch them this weekend in the big Nathan’s hot dog eating contest.
The U.S. team not advancing to the World Cup finals is sort of like Justin Bieber winning a BET award this weekend. Neither of us had any business being there.
The longest-serving member of Congress, Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia, died at the age of 92. He may have passed away in 1982, no one is really sure.