President Obama said, after firing Gen. McChrystal, that you don’t criticize your bosses. That’s the same reason Obama never says anything bad about the Chinese.

The bad news for McChrystal is he got fired for insulting the president. But the good news is, Fox News said, “we’ll hire him.”

American Airlines says it has found cracks in the mounts that hold engines onto the wings of two of their Boeing 767 jets. They also said if you want a seat that’s far away from the cracks, you’ll now have to pay an extra fee.

A rich woman in Miami died and left $3 million to her pet Chihuahua and only $1 million to her son. Guys, the next time your mom says, “sit down and roll over,” just do it.

The show was so bad last night, the audience demanded that I set up a victims’ fund.

It’s so hot and humid in New York City that today, I found an orchard growing in my pants.

Gen. McChrystal was called home from Afghanistan for a private meeting with President Obama. The meeting was very intimate. It was just the president, the general, and the Salahis.

The general is in trouble for shooting off his mouth, so there’s another hole Obama can’t plug.

You don't need to pay a lot to get a good hairpiece

First half of the show: phone it in. Last half: autopilot

Never anger a woman who shoots wolves from a helicopter

You don't need to go to rehearsal

Companies will pay you large sums of money if you mention their product — like the new iPhone 4 available tomorrow

When I tell a guest I loved his movie, chances are I thought it was crap

People love a sneezing monkey

I have no business hosting a talk show

People love a smoking baby

The audience is livelier and more engaged when they're drunk

Hundreds of people are already camping out for the premiere of the new “Twilight” movie. Outside of the theater there’s a line of teenage girls. It’s what Roman Polanski counts to fall asleep every night.

U2 was supposed to play at Glastonbury this year but they had to cancel because lead singer Bono hurt his back. I think it’s because he carries the weight of the world on his tiny leprechaun shoulders.

Every country in the world has music festivals now. In Afghanistan, they have al-Qaida-palooza.

Last night we had an electrical problem, so I had to shoot the show on my laptop. Tonight we have cameras and sounds and it’s almost like a real television show.

At Wimbledon, an American and a Frenchman had the longest-running match in history, which is running into its third day. By the time they’re finished, Wimbledon will have been over for six months.

President Obama and Gen. Stanley McChrystal are calling it quits. According to the general, they haven’t been intimate in months.

On Monday, a vintage Wall Street sign sold for $116 thousand in New York. You can tell it’s very old because the words “Wall Street” are written in English and not Chinese.

In Connecticut, passengers on a Virgin Atlantic flight had a nightmare situation, where they were kept on a hot plane without food or water for more than four hours. Or as they call that on Delta, “a flight.”

On the “Today” show this morning, BP executive Bob Dudley said that CEO Tony Hayward is committed to BP, and BP is committed to Tony Hayward. Good, because our No. 1 concern here is “how are you guys doing?”

The U.S. beat Algeria in the World Cup today. The U.S. scored a goal with three minutes left to play. And get this, the ref completely forgot to disallow the goal.