Monday Nov 16 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama is in China this week. Or as they now call it, the “People’s Republic of Walmart.”
President Obama met today with Chinese President Hu. As in, “Guess Hu’s got your money.”
As a tradition the Chinese presented President Obama with a gift. It was a bootleg copy of the movie “Twilight New Moon.” How do they get it so fast?
While in China, President Obama gave a speech. He said that “being open to criticism makes democracy stronger and makes me a better leader because it forces me to hear opinions I don’t want to hear.” Then he went back to trashing Fox News.
President Obama was in Japan, and some people are upset that Obama bowed to the Japanese emperor. Either way, it’s still better than when former President Bush high-fived the Emperor and said, “Give me some skin, Mr. Miyagi.”
This week Sarah Palin will appear on “Oprah,” “Good Morning America,” “ABC World News,” “Nightline,” “Sean Hannity,” and “20-20.” During all of her appearances Palin will talk about how the media won’t leave her alone.
The other day Sarah Palin said she’d like to have coffee with Hillary Clinton, and now Hillary is saying that she looks forward to it. The two have agreed to meet at the “Never Will Be President” Café.
Everyone’s still talking about outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs leaving his job at CNN. Even more surprising — Dobbs says he’s going to find his next job by hanging out in the parking lot at a Home Depot.
Late Show with David Letterman
There’s a new movie out: “2012.” I went to see it, but I was confused. I thought it was going to be about Dick Cheney’s cholesterol.
Shoplifting in New York City is up — sounds like the economy is making a comeback.
One guy who was shoplifting put Mayor Bloomberg in his pants and took off running.
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is coming here from Guantanamo Bay. He’s promoting his new book: “Really Going Rogue.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprises In The Sarah Palin Book
Cover photo is actually Tina Fey
All proceeds from the book go toward a bitchin' new snowmobile
Nearly had to pull out of campaign after spraining her winking muscle
Not interested in politics, is interested in joining "Dancing with the Stars"
Includes fantasy sequence where she beats Katie Couric with her own microphone
Someone's got a crush on Jon Gosselin
It's a science fiction romance about moody teenage vampires
Favorite Web site: YoubetchaTube
Includes Levi Johnston centerfold
Even Sarah doesn't know what Todd does
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Sarah Palin was on Oprah today. She’s got a new book, and she was talking about her plans for the future. I think she wants to be the next leader of the free world . . . which is ridiculous — Oprah was right there.
Over the weekend, Liz Cheney hinted that her father might run for president. This news was greeted with cheers of hope and relief — especially from Democrats.
Disney has installed hand sanitizers to combat swine flu. And I was thinking, “Disney — if you’re really serious about not spreading swine flu, get that Donald Duck to start wearing pants.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
During a town-hall event in China, President Obama admitted that he's never used Twitter. Even John McCain was like, "Get it together, Grandpa!"
At a global warming speech on Saturday night, Al Gore was heckled by more than 200 protestors in Boca Raton, Fla. It was brutal. You don’t want to get heckled in Boca. The crowd chanted: “What do we want? Dinner! When do we want it? Four o’clock!”
Last week, an 11-year-old boy in Idaho shot and killed a black bear that wouldn’t leave his family’s front porch. And right after that, Sarah Palin asked if he wanted to be her running-mate in 2012.
During a speech at Columbia University, the founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, said that his rival at Apple, Steve Jobs, has “done a fantastic job.” Then Gates froze up and had to be restarted.