Friday May 21 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
BP is saying that the oil leak is bigger than they estimated. In a related story, the executives at BP are far bigger idiots than we estimated.
Everywhere you go, people are talking about “Lost.” But enough about the stock market.
A Jetblue pilot was pulled from a flight at Logan Airport before takeoff after he threatened to kill himself. He was upset that his girlfriend broke up with him and he threatened to crash the plane. Luckily, the other pilots gave him a couple of drinks and were able to calm him down.
A very embarrassing moment for Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who was running for the Senate. He’s the guy who lied about his war record. He was overheard telling his wife, “After the campaign, let’s take a vacation and go somewhere I’ve never been.” She said, “How about Vietnam?”
Late Show with David Letterman
To all of the out-of-towners, some good news. From now on, every Labor Day is clothing-optional in the subway.
You can tell that it’s already summer. The kids are out at the beach, building tar castles.
It’s the fifth anniversary of YouTube. It completely revolutionized procrastination.
Elena Kagan is the new Supreme Court nominee. If she’s not confirmed, she is a Mets fan, so she’s used to disappointment.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Graduating College
You once tried to eat a book
"F" wasn't bad enough — school added a "G" grade just for you
Camps suggested you get a 30-year mortgage on your dorm room
You're the only sophomore with tenure
Professors all agree — you're dumb
When you ask what time graduation is, people just kinda laugh
Most of your freshman class passed away
You form a study group to figure out how to get to the library
Only periodic elements you can name: "Sodium" and "Low Sodium"
Just woke up from a party you went to in October 2008
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The new “Shrek” movie opens today. DreamWorks is saying that this will be the last “Shrek” movie — unless it makes money.
I think Mike Myers does a great Scottish accent, though he’s not from Scotland. He’s actually from a magical place called “Canada.”
Children and late-night hosts are different. One needs constant attention, throws tantrums, and cries when he doesn’t get his way, and the other is a child.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
For the first time ever, scientists have created artificial life. The hope is that it can revolutionize healthcare, generate clean energy, become super-intelligent, take over the world, make us all its slaves, etc.
President Obama’s big financial reform bill passed. From now on, bankers will be required to dress like robbers.
They put a cap on ATM transaction fees, though a lot of the senators didn’t want to discuss it because they’ve never used an ATM. The Senate has mobile cash machines — they’re called “lobbyists.”
Some movie theaters are planning to charge $20 for a ticket to the new “Shrek” movie in IMAX 3-D. It’s like they’re trying to give Andy Rooney a heart attack.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
BP said today that in the worst-case scenario, it would take until August to clean up the Gulf Coast. That’s not so bad. I mean, who goes in the ocean during the summer anyway?
A new study found that fish are scared of their own reflections. I guess that's why my goldfish can never tell that his bow tie is crooked.
Octomom Nadya Suleman has a PETA sign in her front yard that encourages people to have their pets spayed or neutered. Isn’t that kind of like BP putting out a sign that says "Don't pee in the pool?"
A 10-foot alligator found its way into a mall in Orlando. Police are calling it a close call, while Panda Express is calling it “Combo Meal No. 4.”