Thursday May 20 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
At the White House state dinner, Mexican President Calderon said that he and President Obama have a lot in common. They’re both presidents of beautiful countries, they’re both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people.
A Kansas City used car salesman has admitted sending over $23,000 to al-Qaida. Just when you thought al-Qaida couldn’t get any lower, they link up with used car salesmen.
The U.S. Navy announced this week that they’re using sea lions to fight terrorism. They hid a bomb in the water and a trained sea lion found it in less than a minute. The bad news is, the sea lion balanced the bomb on his nose and then threw it back at the trainer.
Richard Blumenthal says he will not apologize for misleading people about his military record. He says that he misspoke, using the word “in,” instead of “during,” in reference to Vietnam. Sort of like using the word “misspoke” instead of ”lied.”
Late Show with David Letterman
It’s such a nice day in New York City that I wanted to go down to the beach and wait for the first tar ball.
The Taliban downgraded Faisal Shahzad after the botched Times Square bombing. Now, instead of 72 virgins, he gets 72 vegans.
Everybody has a different solution for the Gulf oil spill. Why don’t they just try jiggling the handle?
I went to lunch and had crab cakes. The waiter came over and asked if I wanted leaded or unleaded. The tartar sauce was 80 percent tar.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House State Dinner
"May we see your papers, President Calderon?"
"What happened to the dumb guy who used to live here?"
"May we see your papers, President Obama?"
"The pinata is filled with worthless Euros"
"Three whiskey sours and Chuck Schumer takes off his pants"
"Sir, the Republicans are attempting to block the appetizers"
"Lincoln's ghost! Run!"
"Salahi? No, you're not on the list, but how about a lovely bottle of wine"
"Hurry, it's Close-Up Magic Week on the 'Late Show'"
"Yes, Mr. Vice President, it is a big F-ing deal"
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The BP oil spill turned a month old today. Unfortunately, it has not been potty trained yet.
Tonight was the season finale of “Grey’s Anatomy.” Seattle Grace Hospital was hit with an unprecedented crisis — everyone came down with Bieber fever.
The movie character “Shrek” got a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. I’m happy for him — he has the new movie and he seems to be getting over his cocaine problem.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
In case you haven't been watching, the two final contestants on “American Idol” are Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze. Or as they’ll be known in six months, “who?"
A new social networking site called “Togetherville” was launched this week, aimed at kids between 6 and 10 years old. They’re calling it “Togetherville” because “To Catch a Predatorville” was too long.
John Shepherd-Barron, the inventor of the ATM, has passed away at age 84. I guess he just decided he no longer wanted to continue with this transaction.
Last night at the big White House state dinner, Capricia Marshall, the U.S. chief of protocol, slipped on the White House steps right next to the Obamas. It was such a nasty spill, that BP showed up and tried to put a top hat on her.