Tuesday May 18 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Another Arizona boycott is brewing. The Phoenix Suns are refusing to play defense.
The Suns played so badly that the Arizona legislature voted to deport them.
Attorney General Eric Holder has said that he may sue Arizona for their new immigration law, though he admitted that he had not read the law yet. That didn’t stop them from passing healthcare.
The Supreme Court declared that sex offenders can be held indefinitely, even after their sentence is complete if they are considered dangerous — unless they won an Oscar or they have a lot of friends that are celebrities.
Late Show with David Letterman
This is the time of year that networks bring out their new TV shows. NBC has announced their fall line-up, and BP has promised to help with the clean-up.
A congressman from my state of Indiana, Mark Souder, has been forced to resign because of a sex scandal. Finally, I’m not Indiana’s biggest embarrassment.
There was a swarm of bees at the White House yesterday. They went into the White House and demanded to see the president’s birth certificate.
The volcano in Iceland is still erupting. Does this seem like the longest volcano season ever?
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things I Want To Do As Miss USA
Fill in for secretary of state whenever Hillary Clinton is on vacation
Visit the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City and steal as many towels as I can
I’m going to all 50 states wrastlin’ gators
Teach children there’s nothing you can’t achieve when you’re smart, dedicated, and really, really hot
Spend my prize money on Mountain Dew and chalupas
Travel to Neptune for the Miss Universe pageant
I will personally make every American a fried egg sandwich
Like every gal, I dream of meeting a hunky close-up magician
I honestly have no idea what I’m supposed to do
Nice things for the elderly, which is why I’m here visiting Dave
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It was my birthday yesterday. I celebrated the way I always do. I stayed home and I called Bob Saget.
My mother used to make me clootie dumplings for my birthday. By the way, “Clootie Dumplings” is the name I used to dance under.
I’m glad no one threw me a surprise party. I don’t like being surrounded by people that are waiting for me to say something funny. That’s just not my thing.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Have you heard about this guy, Richard Blumenthal, a Democratic candidate for Senate in Connecticut? It turns out he actually lied about serving in Vietnam. Not good. In fact today, he said this was the most scared he’s been since he became the first man to walk on the moon.
Officials in Naples, Italy believe that local pizza makers are digging up coffins from a cemetery and using the wood to heat their ovens. Which explains one restaurant's slogan, "Naples Pizza: It tastes just like Grandma used to . . . taste!”
After admitting to an affair with a staffer, Indiana Congressman Mark Souder said he is leaving office to focus on repairing his marriage, and renewing his walk with the Lord. And today, the Lord was like, “Uh — why don’t you start without me.”
Aviation officials in Europe announced new rules that will allow planes to fly through the volcanic ash if they get special approval. I’d love to hear the pilot on one of those flights: “To your left, you’ll see a massive ash cloud . . . windows are sort of useless right now. I might as well come back and sit with you guys.”