Wednesday Nov 18 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama is winding up his Asian tour this week. Now there’s a switch — something American in China. You never see that.
Yesterday, while speaking in Beijing’s Great Hall of the People, President Obama paid tribute to china for its economic successes. It’s amazing what can be accomplished with child slave labor.
The postal service announced last week that they’ve lost $3.8 billion dollars last year. Hey, I have an idea — let's put the government in charge of healthcare.
Congress is now looking at a possible amendment to a bill that would allow passengers to check guns on Amtrak. That’s amazing, isn’t it? They've figured out a way to make taking Amtrak even more dangerous. Let’s arm the people as they go off the track.
Earlier today President Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and he said it was “magical.” As opposed to two years ago when former President Bush stood at the exact same spot said, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall."
Former Vice President Dick Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the Emperor of Japan. Cheney said, “C’mon, it’s not like he’s the CEO of Exxon.”
Variety is reporting that if Oprah Winfrey decides to continue doing her show she will have to take a pay cut. After hearing this, Oprah said, “Wait — they expect me to live on half a trillion dollars a year?”
Today a list of the safest cars in America was released and four of the cars were built by Chrysler. Apparently, Chrysler cars are so safe because they never leave the dealership.
Late Show with David Letterman
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is going to be tried in New York City. It should be pretty entertaining — Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are hosting.
I think Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is getting bad advice: This morning he posed for Playgirl.
Here’s something: Cardiologists say that 3,000-year-old mummies show signs of heart disease. Don’t we know of a mummy with heart disease? Sure we do — Dick Cheney.
President Barack Obama is visiting China. He visited the Great Wall today. It’s 5,000 miles long, and it works wonderfully — not one Mexican has sneaked into China.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Highlights Of Barack Obama's Interview With Fox News
First question: "Sup?"
Showed up wearing one of Michelle's halter tops
Interview split into domestic issues, foreign affairs, and one round of bare-knuckle boxing
Promoted Obama's new book about his life as a sassy Alaska hockey mom
Mostly about Shakira's awesome new "She Wolf" video
Interviewer kept referring to "alleged President Obama"
Began new feud over which "Twilight" star is hunkier, Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner
When Titans owner Bud Adams gave everyone the finger
A laughing George W. Bush called to ask, "How you liking it, sucker?"
Only thing they could agree on is that Glenn Beck is a load
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It’s Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ third-year anniversary today. Three years of marriage is very rare in Hollywood — it’s like real breasts.
It’s Mickey Mouse’s birthday today, too. They’re both very different of course — one’s a tiny cartoon character with a squeaky voice, and the other is Mickey Mouse.
Mickey Mouse is now 81. He’s now the oldest rodent in show business, unless you count that thing on Donald Trump’s head.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Sarah Palin’s new book is getting a lot of attention primarily because she spends a lot of time settling scores with the media, the political elite . . . she’s angry at the weather for raining on her once . . .
Oddly, Palin goes after vegetarians. She says that if God hadn’t intended for us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?
This is how I see it: People are made out of meat . . . so are cocker spaniels. I guess the lesson here is, don’t go to Sarah Palin’s house for Thanksgiving.
Palin says that women are held to a higher standard than men. She quotes Margaret Thatcher who said, “If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.” It’s an interesting theory. I guess that’s why she asked a woman to write the book for her.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
In an interview with Barbara Walters last night, Sarah Palin was asked to rate Obama's performance as president on a scale from 1 to 10. Palin was like, "Oh, that's easy — F."
We’re celebrating NBC’s Green Week here at Rockefeller Center. And what better way to celebrate than by ripping a giant tree out of the ground, covering it with lights, and leaving them on for a month?
President Obama visited the Great Wall of China. He said, “It's magical. It reminds you of the sweep of history.” When George Bush visited, he said, “It’s magical. It reminds you of something Spider-Man would love to climb.”
In a new interview President Obama said that the people "could lose confidence in the U.S. economy" if our debt continues to grow. And Americans were like, "Uh . . . way ahead of you, dude."