Monday May 03 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at the U.N. today. He arrived in New York Saturday night, rented an SUV, parked it in Times Square, changed his shirt in an alley, and went to the hotel.
Someone tried to detonate an SUV rigged with explosives in Times Square. It was a Nissan Pathfinder. The bombing suspect realized that if he drove a Toyota, he would be putting his own life in danger.
Experts are saying that the last time an SUV got this much attention, there was a 9-iron sticking out of the window.
The environmental impact from the Gulf oil spill is unbelievable. They say a lot of birds are trying to leave the area. Arizona said that any birds entering from out of state will be arrested.
Late Show with David Letterman
Welcome to the "Late Show," the other bomb on Broadway.
The most suspicious thing about the attempted car bombing in Manhattan was that the driver found a parking spot.
I think the one question New Yorkers are asking themselves today is: “Where was Superman?”
Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in New York City. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in town.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten BP Excuses
"The Gulf of Mexico was overdue for its 3,000 mile oil change"
"We promise we'll get around to it by Labor Day"
"Relax, it's only leaking 210,000 gallons a day"
"Giving everyone a free BP travel mug"
"Louisiana hasn't had a disaster in five years"
"Guy from Goldman Sachs said it would make money"
"Did you hear Ricky Martin's gay?"
"Honestly, we're so reckless — surprised it took this long"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
I will have to see everyones’ papers to make sure you are in CBS legally. We have had hobos sneaking in from Canada.
Apparently some of the lawyers that wrote the Arizona immigration law are tied to Belgian extremists. I didn’t know that Belgians could be extreme about anything — except maybe waffles.
At least here in California, immigrants end up doing the jobs Americans don’t want, such as talk show hosts, or governor of the state.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
This week is Teacher Appreciation Week. Teacher Appreciation Week began in 1985 when state and federal governments decided that giving teachers a holiday was cheaper than paying them more.
A man named Jason Pfeiffer claims he was Michael Jackson’s boyfriend. Pfeiffer says he told the story to prove that Jackson wasn’t a pedophile — although it seems like that would have been more helpful during the trial.
There were big demonstrations protesting Arizona’s new immigration law. Despite the controversy, the state is going ahead with their Cinco de Mayo party. I guess it’s a going-away thing.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
While he was on the Gulf Coast yesterday, President Obama said, “Let me be clear: BP is responsible for this leak. BP will be paying the bill.” And BP was like “Uh, bailout?”
The Pakistani Taliban has claimed responsibility for Saturday’s failed car bomb attack in Times Square. I’m no terrorism expert, but I don’t think it makes you scarier when you claim responsibility for something that failed.
On Saturday night, Chris Brown sang the national anthem before the Mayweather-Mosley fight in Vegas. Chris Brown sang the National Anthem before a fight? That's like Michael Vick opening the Westminster Dog Show.
I read that a cafe in Brooklyn is now selling a $12 cup of coffee. Inside the cup you’ll find hints of apricot, pineapple, kiwi, and lime. And outside the cup you’ll find an idiot who spends 12 bucks on coffee.