Friday Nov 20 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Sarah Palin has been everywhere this week promoting her book. She was on “Oprah,” she was on “Good Morning America,” “ABC World News,” “Nightline,” Barbara Walters . . . and not to be outdone, next week John McCain is going to be the guest corpse on “CSI.”
Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro is reportedly a huge fan of President Obama and thinks he's doing great job. Boy, Obama hasn't had PR that good since the Rev. Wright was campaigning for him. Get Gadhafi to say something nice, too.
This week, Afghanistan’s president, Hamid Karzai was sworn in wearing Afghanistan’s traditional clothing: the Kevlar pants, a helmet, a bullet proof vest . . .
The George W. Bush library design was unveiled the week by former first lady Laura Bush. This is interesting: She was a librarian when she first met George. In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out at a library.
Oprah said she used prayer to help her decide to end her show. She said she stopped praying when she realized she has more money than the guy she’s praying to.
According to a new poll, more Americans would like to have Thanksgiving dinner with Hillary Clinton than with Sarah Palin. Mainly, because no one wants to eat elk pie.
It’s been reported that CNN got so tired of Lou Dobbs’ focus on immigration issues that they paid him $8 million to leave. And, just to rub it in, they gave it to him in pesos.
AOL has announced that they’re going to lay-off one-third of their employees. On the bright-side, it’s AOL — so they’re going to do it slowly and with frequent interruptions.
Late Show with David Letterman
On Friday, President Obama pardons the White House turkey. Dick Cheney didn’t miss an opportunity — he said Obama is soft on poultry.
The Capitol Hill Christmas tree has arrived in Washington, D.C., on a flatbed truck. Also, Sen. Charles Schumer delivered the Capitol Hill menorah in his Buick.
It’s Joe Biden’s birthday. He got what he wanted: A gift certificate to get his head reupholstered.
If you want to get your friends a great gift, get them the new Sarah Palin book. I got it. This is interesting: It came with a sticker on it that read, “After reading, do not operate heavy machinery.”
Late Show Top Ten
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Oprah’s announced that she’s quitting her show in 2011. Now you know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012.
Once Oprah leaves her show, the most powerful woman on TV will be Ryan Seacrest.
There was also news about Dr. Phil’s show: Unfortunately, he’s going to keep going.
It’s Joe Biden’s birthday. It’s also Joe McHale’s birthday. He’s the host of “Talk Soup.” Both are very different — one’s a bucket of fun who keeps the nation amused with his wacky antics, and the other is Joel McHale.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Oprah Winfrey announced today that she will end her show in two years. Women everywhere were devastated by the news. And men everywhere were like, “Who’s doing what, now? What?”
Oprah said her decision to leave her talk show came after “much prayer.” I guess the prayers went like this: "Dear God, it's me Oprah." Then God was like, "Are you serious? Guys! Guys! It's Oprah!! I’m a huge fan!"
Scientists in the Netherlands have begun the process of growing artificial meat in labs. I guess in the Netherlands, “labs” is another word for “Arby’s.”
A new report from America’s Health Ratings found that 43 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2018. But I think, if we all focus and work really hard, we can do it by 2017.