President Obama has restricted the use of nuclear weapons to only be used against Iran, North Korea, or Fox News.

Scientists have claimed that toads can predict an earthquake, and they will flee five days before it strikes. So if you’re ever stuck on the San Diego freeway behind a long line of toads, you’re screwed.

Buzz Aldrin was kicked off of “Dancing With the Stars.” For some reason, on the moon, he seemed so much lighter on his feet.

As if we are not fat enough, Kentucky Fried Chicken is about to release its “Double Down” sandwich. It’s a bacon and cheese sandwich and the bun is two pieces of fried chicken. After you eat it, you go from KFC to the ICU where you’re pronounced DOA.

This month was murder-free in Newark, N.J. It makes sense — who can afford bullets?

The government says the economy is bouncing back. Now we can go back to making cars that nobody wants.

King Tut is coming to New York City. The boy-king died under mysterious circumstances and they are now blaming it on his creepy personal physician.

For months, everyone was waiting for the iPad. It took longer to come out than Ricky Martin.

"If I see one more tax return, I'm gonna jam a No. 2 pencil through my eye"

"I think my calculator is talking to me"

"If I screw up, they go to jail, not me"

"Why didn't I become something exciting like a claims adjuster?"

"Should I wear the navy blue suit or the navy blue suit?"

"Get through today and then a 364-day weekend"

"Who knew the bright-eyed little boy I once was would grow into such a bitter man with a soul crushing job"

"Time to fake my death and move to the Cayman Islands"

"Why did I waste time doing a stupid Top Ten at Letterman?"

"This would be a lot easier if I was sober"

Please try to save some applause for later, because the show is crap tonight. It’s one of those crazy things that we keep around. We don’t really need it anymore, but we love it.

Deforestation is threatening all kinds of species. Who knows what kinds of animals are lurking in these forests? There could be unicorns, or hobbits, or maybe even more Baldwins.

My 9-year-old son loves dinosaurs. He shows me pictures of dinosaurs and asks me what their names are and I don’t know. “That, son, is a ‘thesaurus.’ That dinosaur can tell you any word and any other words that mean the same thing.”

Sandra Bullock put out a statement today officially denying the rumor of a sex tape of her and her husband, Jesse James. She says there never was a tape and there never will be a tape. I think the “never will be” part goes without saying.

Tiger Woods will play his first golf tournament in five months, and his first tournament in six years without lipstick on his lucky underwear.

It’s elimination night on “American Idol.” At this point, they’re really just mercy killings.

Michelle Obama held a town hall meeting on C-SPAN to answer questions from kids about her anti-obesity campaign. The most popular question from kids: "Why are you doing this to us, lady?”

A man in Pennsylvania was arrested after he got drunk, urinated on himself, took off his clothes and then broke into a stranger’s house he thought was his. And the craziest part, I don’t even know how I got to Pennsylvania.

Heidi Montag is saying that because of her new F-cup breasts, she can no longer go jogging. She tried it and ended up needing another nose job.