Monday Nov 23 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Obama is getting ready to pardon the White House turkey: Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner.
The dollar continues to fall. A lot of countries aren't even accepting dollars anymore. I don’t want to say that Geithner is not doing a good job, but today God asked for his name to be taken off the dollar.
The White House and Senate Democrats are working on a new jobs bill. The White House says this new jobs bill could create twice as many non-existent fake new jobs as the last one.
Obama was in china last week. Today the Chinese government sent him a beautiful gift: a 10 percent off coupon at Walmart.
The ratings are in for Sarah Palin’s appearance on “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” and it earned Oprah her highest ratings since the episode where she reunited the Osmond Family. Viewers who saw both episodes say Palin is more likeable but that Donny and Marie are more qualified to be president.
Yesterday a U.S. astronaut who’s currently in space became a father when his wife gave birth to a baby girl back on Earth. The astronaut said, "I can't wait to get home especially because I've been gone for 10 months."
“Today Show” weatherman Al Roker has published his first novel, a murder-mystery set at a TV morning show. Even more exciting, the person who gets murdered is a female host named “Shmathie Lee Gifford.”
Earlier tonight the TLC network aired the final episode of “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” Apparently, this is what President Obama meant by “Yes We Can.”
Late Show with David Letterman
It’s that time again: Flights are delayed; people are waiting in the airports; everyone’s trying to go home for Thanksgiving. But it’s not all bad: It gives the pilots time to sober up.
Sarah Palin’s new book is out. Some people are saying that it’s too soon for her to writer her memoirs. They’re saying she should wait until she has at least 10 years of inexperience before writing.
You can get the book on Kindle. Coincidentally, I’m using my copy as kindle.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Oprah Doesn't Care Anymore
Greets guests with, "What do you want?"
When Dr. Phil's name comes up, Oprah mutters, "Quack"
Instead of "woo hoo," can only muster a "woo"
Dumped Stedman for that "Jon and Kate" dude
Yesterday's show was Oprah watching an episode of "Tyra"
Hosts program in sweatpants and Tweety bird T-shirt
Friday show now entirely devoted to her college and pro-football picks
"Oprah's Book Club" now "Oprah's Bookie Club"
Today's topic: "Oprah Takes A Nap"
Last three guests were Johnnie Walker, Jim Beam, and Jose Cuervo
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The new movie “New Moon” made more than any other teen-vampire-love-triangle movie. If Obama really wanted to turn this economy around, he’d start making vampire movies.
It’s the very last show of “Jon & Kate Plus 8” the series finale, or better: the series finally.
I don’t want to give anything away, but three of the kids get pregnant.
Thursday is Thanksgiving. Now’s the time to call all your family and apologize to them in advance for all the things you’re going to say to them when you get drunk.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Big week for President Obama: He just had dinner with the president of China, and tomorrow he has dinner with the prime minister of India. It’s a nice change of pace. Bush wouldn’t meet with anyone from China or India who wasn’t named “Harold” or “Kumar.”
Over the weekend the Senate voted to allow "debate" on the healthcare bill. Can you believe they were fighting over whether or not to have fight? "I don't think we should argue . . ." "Well, I think we SHOULD argue." "No we shouldn't argue, and I'm not about to lose this argument . . ."
This is little strange. A couple in England named their new daughter Kia because she was delivered in the back seat of a Kia. No one was happier than her older brother — Hospital Bed.
Supermodel Heidi Klum has officially changed her last name to her husband Seal’s last name. From now on she’ll be known as Heidi.