Tuesday Mar 30 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Well, Joe Biden has done it again. He showed up at the White House Passover Seder with a bunch of ham sandwiches.
A New York doctor has finished a five year study on what smells have the biggest effect on New Yorkers. The smell New Yorkers like the most: vanilla. The smell New Yorkers like the least: New Jersey.
Scientists in Switzerland say they smashed two proton beams at the highest energy level ever recorded. They attached the proton beams to the front of two Toyota Priuses.
Ricky Martin announced that he was gay. I think we can agree that this was a case of “Didn’t need to ask, didn’t need to tell.”
Late Show with David Letterman
Tonight is Passover, not to be confused with what happened to me and Conan, that was “passed over.”
In honor of Passover, that last joke was unleavened.
It looks like Sandra Bullock and her husband may get a divorce. Even people who thought Ricky Martin was straight saw that one coming.
Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin and Pamela Anderson are both on “Dancing With the Stars.” Honestly, it looks like a Republican ticket.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Republican National Committee Excuses
"We're fat, dumb, rich guys, nuff said?"
"Thought 'SM' door was Sen. McCain's office"
"It wasn't a sex club, just a regular club where grown men tickle each other"
"Scott Brown raved about the place"
"The Sheraton's meeting rooms were already booked"
"I'm sorry, Ricky Martin is gay?"
"Abraham Lincoln routinely spent $2,000 a night in sex clubs"
"We're fat, dumb, rich guys, nuff said?"
"If we can't spend donor money at a sex club, the terrorists have won"
"Research for pending legislation 'No Stripper Left Behind'"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
During a fundraising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it’s in Dick Cheney’s basement.
It must be very embarrassing for the people involved. I’m sure the strippers didn’t want anyone to know they were hanging out with politicians.
At least it was the young Republicans that did this. Could you imagine Bob Dole and John McCain walking in there?
Republican donors aren’t happy about this. It’s not fair that rich Republicans spend huge amounts of money at sex clubs and poor Republicans have to go to airport bathrooms.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It’s so important to vote for “American Idol.” Otherwise, you forfeit your right to complain about the direction Karaoke is heading in this country.
Thursday is the deadline for the census. A census taker will come to your house if you don’t reply by mail. So unless you want to have a conversation with another human being, you better get that in.
Ricky Martin came out on his Web site, writing “I’m a fortunate, homosexual man.” That’s like Larry King coming out as “old.”
Starbucks has refused to ban guns in their stores, preferring to abide by local laws. If you have a legal permit to carry a gun, you can bring it into Starbucks. That’s better than leaving it outside.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama said that adjustments will need to be made to the new healthcare law. In fact, it’s getting so many adjustments, Obama’s now calling it “the Heidi Montag of congressional bills.”
In the same interview, President Obama said that his family has decided not to join a single church because he causes too much of a disruption at services. At their last service, the priest was like, "In the name of the father, the son, and the — holy cow, it's the president!"
A man in New Jersey was arrested after he crawled through the window of a McDonald’s drive-thru because his Filet-O-Fish was taking too long. And they say pot makes you less motivated.
Supermodel Kate Moss is going to make her theater debut in the Shakespeare play “The Tempest” this summer in London. The play is about a girl stranded on an island with her dad, who uses a magic wand to summon a tempest. Kate, of course, plays the wand.