Wednesday Mar 24 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
I have a way to pay for healthcare. A cuss jar for Joe Biden, every time he says the F-word, he has to put a dollar in it.
According to “Men’s Health,” 20 percent of men surveyed would rather have a sexier nurse than a more competent doctor in the hospital. I say, why not have both? The government is paying for it now.
Sarah Palin spoke out against the healthcare bill, saying that elections have consequences. Of course they do. That’s why, right now, instead of being vice president of the United States, she’s trying to get a reality show on Animal Planet.
Nutritionists now say that obsessing about eating only healthy foods can be bad for you. This is a rare disorder that may affect up to three Americans per year.
Late Show with David Letterman
This is how you know it’s Spring in New York City. The car-jackers start coming in through the sunroof.
Are you ready for the big 2010 census? It’s going to be complicated this year. The problem is, most Americans count as two.
They’re saying the census consists of 10 questions in 10 minutes. That’s how John McCain chose his running mate.
Bernie Madoff was beaten up in jail. Fortunately, he’ll be covered by the new healthcare plan.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Having A Bad Spring Break
Instead of Mexico, you're spending a week at Texaco
"Complimentary buffet" is whatever crawled out of air conditioning vent
Maid leaves not on pillow reading, "Go home filthy American"
You're the only one whose abs don't have a nickname
Healthcare bill didn't pass in time for you to get arm reattached after shark attack
Only thing on resort's TV is Harry Smith's colonoscopy
Your hotel room is home to seven of the world's 10 deadliest snakes
P.A. announcement on the beach: "Take cover. Enemy aircraft approaching"
You wake up naked in Andy Dick's crawl space
Still stuck on runway from Spring Break '09
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
James Cameron, who directed “Avatar,” is in a feud with Glenn Beck, because Cameron called him a mad man. The two are very different. One makes millions creating fictional stories, and the other is James Cameron.
Madonna announced that she’s making a new movie about England’s King Edward VIII and his pretty American wife. I think it’s a great part for Madonna, but who is going to play the wife?
The rising sea levels in the Indian Ocean have caused an island to vanish. Yesterday, Ben and Jerry were giving away free ice cream and today, global warming causes an island to disappear. It’s a terrible rollercoaster week for Al Gore — so happy, but so alarmed.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush traveled to Haiti this week to talk about the country’s long-term recovery plan. It was a departure for President Bush. It’s unusual for him to visit a disaster of this scope and magnitude that wasn’t his fault.
An entire day has passed since the healthcare reform was enacted, and the country has not been destroyed. You really can’t trust politicians.
Jesse James, who is married to Sandra Bullock for the time being, has not only been seeing the tattooed lady. He’s also been seeing the bearded lady.
Dr. Conrad Murray, former personal physician to Michael Jackson, could have his medical license revoked. That seems like a reasonable thing to do. How many patients does he have left anyway?
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
“Jersey Shore” is premiering in 30 different countries this week. In France, it’s called “Another Reason To Hate America.”
Porn star Devon “Triple X” James says that Tiger Woods paid her to have sex back in 2006. Hopefully this situation will make parents think twice before raising their daughters with the middle name “Triple X.”
A Catholic television network debuted several 3-D shows to reach younger people. They better be careful, though. The last time anyone from the church reached younger people, it cost them billions of dollars.
I was reading today that the whole healthcare fight took a big toll on Nancy Pelosi’s popularity. Her favorability rating is down to 11 percent, making her the most disliked woman in America with less than eight kids.