Monday Mar 22 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Any college students here on Spring Break? If you can’t remember all the crazy stuff you did on Spring Break, don’t worry. There’s probably plenty of video of it on the Internet.
A lot of upsets over the weekend. Kansas lost to Northern Iowa, Georgetown lost to Ohio, Republicans lost to the Democrats.
Healthcare reform was passed, which means Americans can get the same healthcare that members of Congress get, which is great. Now if only we could get the free travel, envelopes full of cash, and the “Get Out of Jail Free” cards.
Do you know who will be in charge of healthcare? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam.
Late Show with David Letterman
History was made yesterday in Washington, D.C. Congress actually worked on a Sunday.
A lot of people were unhappy about healthcare reform. Americans must love paying sky-high medical bills.
On the bright side, John Edwards can finally get a vasectomy.
The Democrats were thrilled and they got a little rowdy. At one point, they tipped over Rush Limbaugh.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Harry Smith's Mind During His Televised Colonoscopy
"Good morning, America"
"For those watching in high definition, you’re welcome"
"Now I know how Conan felt"
"Read the card, read the card"
"Not to change the subject, but has Jesse James lost his mind?"
"I thought I was signing up for a live interview with Colin Powell"
"You're watching the Tiffany Network"
"Between me and Letterman, you can't turn on CBS without seeing a butt"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Yesterday was the first day of Spring. Here in L.A., it’s beautiful. The smog is clearing, teeth are whitening, Baldwins are coming out of hibernation.
You can tell it’s Spring at CBS when the birds start building their nests in Andy Rooney’s eyebrows.
What does healthcare reform really mean? If you listen to the left, it means free vegan candy for every man, woman, and unicorn in America. If you listen to the right, it means we’ve been enslaved by socialist overlords and apple pie is now illegal.
This is still America. I can own a gun and say whatever I want, and no one can make me wear pants.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Obama won a great legislative victory last night with healthcare for all Americans, or as Republicans are calling it, “Armageddon.”
I am just glad this legislation passed in time to handle all of the “Dancing With the Stars” injuries.
Buzz Aldrin, who will appear on that show, is 80 years old. How crazy would it be if one of the first men to walk on the moon was killed in a dancing accident?
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Did any of you watch the healthcare vote live on C-SPAN last night? I’m gonna go out on a limb — are you single?
The healthcare vote yesterday was one of the biggest days in American legislation since the Medicare Act of 1965. If you missed it, don’t worry — next weekend, they’re rerunning it on “C-SPAN Classic.”
Last night, Republican John Boehner asked his fellow congressmen, “Have you read the reconciliation bill? Have you read the manager’s amendment? Hell no, you haven’t!” That's a lot of finger pointing from a guy who hasn't even read the instructions on his bronzer.
Last night, Tiger Woods appeared in two separate interviews on the Golf Channel and ESPN. And in true Tiger fashion, he made sure neither one knew about the other.