Police are now investigating a runaway Toyota Prius in New York state. It turns out to be the same one from the other day in California.

In fact, I saw a bumper sticker on a Prius today that said, “I’d like to brake for animals, I just can’t.”

Happy birthday to Chuck Norris, who turns 70 this week. He was on a show called “Walker, Texas Ranger.” Now he has a new show called “Texas Ranger With a Walker.”

The richest man in the world is now Carlos Slim from Mexico. When I heard that name, I thought it was a new Mexican weight-loss program.

We had a lousy audience last night. You couldn’t tell if they were laughing at the jokes or if they were being tickled by Eric Massa.

Congressman Massa has admitted to groping, fondling, and tickling. Why isn’t this guy governor of New York?

Donald Trump is here tonight. He apparently had to go in for service earlier, because the accelerator in his mouth got stuck.

Today is the one-year anniversary of Bernie Madoff starting his 150-year prison term. He celebrated quietly in prison with his new wife, Walt.

"Oh, suddenly I'm gay because I roll on the floor tickling men?"

"Four o'clock — gropin' time!"

"Whoops, came to work naked again!"

"Too much mint, not enough julep"

"Filibuster? I hardly know her!"

"You're not wearing a wire, are you?"

"Look, I don't know what snorkeling is, but stop doing it to me"

"What would Eliot Spitzer do?"

This (video of Massa admitting to groping staffers)

"Mind if I do a little polling?"

Tiger Woods is reportedly planning a return to golf. It will be nice to see him getting back to what he does best, or at least second-best.

A new study says that women who drink moderate amounts of alcohol every day lose more weight than women that don’t drink at all. At least, that’s what your wife will slur to you after she forgets to pick up the kids from soccer practice.

Heidi Montag has fired her husband Spencer Pratt as her manager, and hired a psychic instead. Do you really need a psychic to tell you that you can’t dance, sing, or act?

One of Eric Massa’s former shipmates says he used to give his subordinates massages and called them, “Massa massages.” Which is why the Navy’s policy toward Massa was “Don’t ask . . . because it's pretty obvious isn't it?"

Massa’s old roommate in the Navy said he woke up one night to find Massa in his bed, trying to “snorkel” him. I don't know what snorkeling someone is, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it doesn't involve a snorkel.

It turns out Eric Massa was living in a house in D.C. with a bunch of young, single male staffers. Massa described the house as just a bunch of guys doing guy stuff. While the male staffers described it as a den of awkwardness.

Karl Rove’s memoir “Courage and Consequence” is the best-selling book on Amazon.com. The book costs $19.99, but it comes with free shipping and "mishandling."