There is a new breakfast cereal out called “Chocolate Cheerios.” Has Cheerios totally given up? Isn’t that just donuts and milk?

President Bush said today that he often turned to prayer during his presidency. Hey, I think we all turned to prayer during his presidency.

Keanu Reeves will star in “Speed 3.” The first “Speed” was about a runaway bus, the second was about a boat, and the third one is going to be about a Toyota.

Gatorade has officially ended their relationship with Tiger Woods. He was seeing at least five other sports drinks.

Another blizzard in New York. The only people outside were postal workers and smokers.

I saw a cop yesterday and he was up to his neck in snow. I said, “Wow, you’re having a rough day.” He said, “Yeah, it’s even rougher on my horse.”

President Obama had his annual physical check-up and everything was perfect. So who needs healthcare now?

The physical went well, until a couple of uninvited guests showed up for the colonoscopy.

Will only eat your pancakes if arranged like Olympic rings

You exercise on NordicTrack with a rifle strapped to your back

You weep uncontrollably every time you see snow

Turned your closet into a "kiss and cry" area

Office manager says, "We're getting complaints about your speed-skating body suit

You're curling on your patio with a Swiffer and a fruit cake

Now only watch television if it's on a nine-hour tape delay

Already purchased snacks for the 2014 Winter Olympics

Brushing your teeth involves an opening and closing ceremony

You sold your BMW and bought a bobsled

The Canadian men’s hockey team beat the United States in overtime yesterday to win the gold medal. They were up all night celebrating. President Obama kept banging a broom on the border, but they just wouldn’t stop.

Let Canada have hockey. If they beat us in obesity, then I’ll start to worry.

Buzz Aldrin will be on “Dancing With the Stars.” He may be the only man to have walked on the moon and moonwalked in the same lifetime.

I like the Winter Olympics because you get to see sports you never see anywhere else, like bobsledding. Bobsledding is the only sport that shows us what it's like to drive a Toyota.

Gatorade just announced they’re ending their relationship with Tiger Woods. Apparently, they made the decision after they checked his cell phone and found texts from Powerade and Vitamin Water.

At an auction in London on Friday, a 507-carat diamond — the size of a chicken egg — sold for $35 million. I hope it works, Tiger.

Search crews in Montana are looking for two bags of mail in the wilderness that fell out of a plane last week. Meanwhile, a bunch of squirrels were excited to learn they’d been pre-approved for a Discover Card.