You’re watching CBS, home of the 1998 Winter Olympics.

Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it’s waterboarding, but colder.

Mayor Bloomberg is building a seven-story aquarium in Times Square. It’s all part of his plan to turn New York City into San Diego.

Dick Cheney and Joe Biden are having a feud. It’s because Biden removed Cheney’s dungeon at the White House.

You're allergic to snow

Fired a gun during your event but it's not the biathlon

Your neck is too fat to hang a medal on

You get winded saying "slalom"

Nobody can find any record of your home nation "Funkytown"

Only experience skating on ice is in your marriage (you fellas know what I'm talking about)

You're having a hard time putting your pants on over your skis

Skipped practice to see "Valentine's Day" — The Philadelphia Inquirer calls it an all-star candy sampler. Buy your tickets today!

Southwest Airlines kicked you off a flight to Vancouver because you're too fat

You haven't been off the couch since the '06 Winter Games

The Tiger Woods press conference was earlier today, and I was riveted by that.

I think the most interesting part was when he apologized to the “mistress in your region.”

This weekend was the birthday of Copernicus. He was quite a ladies’ man, known as the Tiger Woods of his day.

As a kid, I joined the astronomy club at school, because the “drinking behind the shed” club was full.

I’m kind of embarrassed to say that I set my alarm last night to be up in time for Tiger Woods’ apology. It was covered on every channel except for Food Network.

Tiger spoke for 14 minutes, which is double the amount of time he has spoken in his professional career.

Tiger was adamant that his wife Elin never hit him with a golf club. I guess his Escalade fell down the stairs.