Tuesday Feb 09 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
This is our last show. It was supposed to last two years, but my sentence was reduced to five months for good behavior.
Huge snowstorms back East. Even people without Toyotas are having trouble stopping.
With all this snow, President Obama told all nonessential White House employees they didn’t have to come in to work. Actually, just Joe Biden.
Over the next two weeks, we’re going to have the Winter Olympics here on NBC. They are doing something this year that is going to add a little more excitement. All the bobsleds are made by Toyota.
Late Show with David Letterman
How many of you are here tonight because you lost a Super Bowl bet?
I came out here tonight with the jokes written on my hand. I got the idea from Sarah Palin.
There’s so much snow that Washington D.C. came to the biggest standstill since Democrats got the supermajority.
Critics of the auto industry are saying that Toyota knew about the brake problems for years, and are asking why they dragged their feet. Well, because they were trying to stop the car.
Late Show Top Ten
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
In L.A., there is thunder, lightning, and hail. It’s like Mother Nature knows it’s sweeps week.
The wind here is so bad it blew Jay Leno right out of prime time.
Gov. David Paterson of New York, who is legally blind, is denying rumors of having an affair by saying he’s not seeing another woman.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Sarah Palin, at the tea party convention, mocked president Obama for using a teleprompter and then someone noticed that she had notes written on her hand. Writing stuff on your hand isn’t always good, it’s actually how President Bush invaded Iraq instead of Iran.
Palin called on President Obama to fire Rahm Emanuel after he used the word “retard,” but when Rush Limbaugh said the same thing, she said that was OK. Unfortunately, she’s been unable to respond to the criticism because she’s wearing mittens.
The Super Bowl was the most watched TV show in American history with 106 million viewers, which beat the record set by the final episode of “Growing Pains.”
The East Coast is covered in snow. Congressmen in Washington D.C. are using the opportunity to spend some quality time with their mistresses.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
There’s supposed to be so much snow in New York, people might even get stranded at work, which means Gov. Paterson gets at least one more day in office.
I was reading that a man in Colorado was rescued after his SUV got stuck in the snow for three days. Toyota drivers were like, "At least your SUV stopped.”
President Obama just held his first monthly bipartisan meeting and said that working together on jobs would be “a good place to start.” Hey, you know where else would be a good place to start? A year ago.
First lady Michelle Obama just launched a campaign to combat childhood obesity called “Let’s Move.” And this evening, obese children started their own program called “Let’s Not.”