Thursday Feb 04 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Have you heard the new Toyota slogan? It’s, “Toyota, just try and stop us.”
Just two weeks before he’s scheduled to go to Nevada to campaign for Harry Reid, President Obama said Las Vegas is a place of excess that people should not visit during hard times. I guess the president feels if you want to see people cavorting with prostitutes and wasting their money, just go to Washington D.C.
Here is something pretty unbelievable. The only living World War I veteran, a man named Frank Buckles just turned 109 years old. What’s even more amazing, he just finished his fourth tour in Afghanistan.
In Japan, they have developed a new green machine that turns regular paper into toilet paper. Kind of like what Wall Street did with the dollar.
Late Show with David Letterman
Last night I had a horrible dream that I was riding to work in a Toyota and Rip Torn was driving.
Toyota has recalled millions of cars because when you hit the gas, the car takes off and won’t stop. In New York City, those are called taxi cabs.
This year, there are 10 nominees for the Best Picture Oscar, in an effort to add some length to the show. This year the “dead actor” montage will also include those who are sick.
The New Orleans Saints fans have waited a long time for their team to get into the Super Bowl. Not as long as they waited for FEMA, but a long time.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things Overheard During Scott Brown's First Day In The Senate
"Wanna throw on some pants, Scotty?"
"Where's the tanning bed?"
"You wanna throw on a shirt now, Scotty?"
"Palin's accusing you of being a dope who's skating by on looks"
"John Edwards wants to ask if you have any interest in pretending to be a father"
"The Senate will now come to . . . Oh my God, he's even hunkier in person"
"An underpants model in the Senate — Yeah, that's what the Founding Fathers had in mind"
"Barney Frank wants to know if you're available"
"Look out! Runaway Toyota!"
"No, Senator, we do not want to see your 'situation'"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Vancouver Olympics are coming up in just over a week now. I’m going to be adding sequins to my skating outfit this weekend.
It was on this day in 2004 that Facebook was launched. Could you believe it was just six years ago that you could lose touch with people you don’t like?
It’s the first day of sweeps week here at CBS, where the “C” stands for “classy.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Don’t think of me as a talk show host, think of me as a good friend whose phone number none of you have.
President Obama is going to skip the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. They said it would be very expensive to arrange security for him, so instead, they’re sending Joe Biden because, who cares?
The president won’t be at the Super Bowl either, but in the spirit of cooperation, he’s invited a number of Republicans to attend his Super Bowl party. That should be interesting; they’ll need a two-thirds vote before they can pass the Doritos.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
This morning, President Obama spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast in Washington, D.C. Obama told the crowd there that no one should “go broke when they get sick in the richest nation on earth.” Which I think is his way of saying we’re going to start exporting sick people to China.
On the Today Show this morning, Michelle Obama said she likes having her mother live at the White House because she helps take care of Sasha and Malia. And Barack Obama said he likes having his mother-in-law living in the White House because he has to say that.
Toyota is asking anyone who owns a new Prius to return it to the dealership as slowly as they possibly can.
A new study found that eating corned beef for breakfast could help you lose weight. That doesn't sound like a study, that sounds like something a guy who eats corned beef for breakfast says.