Conan will be leaving The Tonight Show, and I’ve chosen to stay on the Titanic.

It hailed in Los Angeles. People thought it was raining crack.

A Republican was elected to the U.S. Senate in Massachusetts. This could tip the delicate balance of power in Washington from the completely incompetent to the morally corrupt.

It’s Thursday, Jan. 21, or as John Edwards calls it, “Father’s Day.”

I’m Conan O’Brien, future Donkey Kong champion.

NBC and I have finally reached a separation agreement. I knew it was official this morning when NBC dropped off all my CDs and picked up its lava lamp.

As you all know by now, tomorrow is our last show here. I’d like to apologize to the guests that were scheduled for next week: President Barack Obama, the Pope, the queen of England, and our good friend, Elvis Presley.

Massachusetts elects a Republican who drives a truck with 200,000 miles on it. It’s a Chevy truck. Which is harder to believe? Massachusetts elects a Republican or Chevy makes a truck that can go 200,000 miles?

President Obama says he blames himself for the upset in the Massachusetts Senate race. He says he was “too remote.” Meanwhile, in Arizona, John McCain couldn’t find his remote.

Air France is now charging obese passengers for two seats. On the bright side, two seats, two meals.

After four days of rain in Los Angeles, there have been floods and mudslides. It’s been such a problem that Jay Leno held a press conference to announce that it wasn’t his fault.

He's the nephew of Godfather of Soul James Brown

Climate change is partly the result of his smoldering hunkiness

His response to the healthcare reform crisis: "Don't Blame Conan"

Got start in politics by rounding up illegals to work in Mitt Romney's yard

Once in state Senate, cracked a walnut with his butt

Purchased his first car at Harrison Ford

Promised people of Massachusetts he'd bring back witch trials

When his daughter was a finalist on "American Idol," he exchanged beauty tips with Ryan Seacrest

His election helped GOP ratings skyrocket to 17 percent

So cold today in Boston today he actually put on pants

It’s a great day for America, and a great day for American television. And no, I’m not resigning.

MTV expects three million people to watch the season finale of “Jersey Shore.” People love watching other people embarrass themselves on television, which is why we’re doing so well.

The entire cast of “Jersey Shore” is now famous, and they may do a second season of the show. The governor of New Jersey has asked for an emergency lift of Jagermeister and spray tan.

I just want to mention that if anyone wants to pay me $45 million to go home, I’ll go.

If putting Leno back on at 11:30 doesn’t work, the plan is to close down NBC and turn It into a Costco.

It’s raining so hard in L.A., experts are recommending umbrellas.

The Supreme Court ruled today that corporations can now spend as much as they want on political candidates. I can’t see that having any negative repercussions, can you?

Today officially marks the beginning of President Obama’s second year in office. He has three years left, but NBC offered him $45 million to leave altogether.

During his acceptance speech Tuesday, newly-elected Sen. Scott Brown told the crowd that his daughters are both “available.” Man, so many great American speeches. “Four score and seven years ago,” “Ask not what your country can do for you,” “I have a dream,” and now, “My daughters are both available.”

The Supreme Court ruled today that the government cannot stop corporations from spending money on political candidates. This explains why Sarah Palin just accepted $1 million to change her name to Pizza Hut.

There’s a new iPhone app that translates a baby’s cry into words. The most common translation? “Can you stop looking at your damn iPhone for one second and pick me up? I’m a crying baby!”