The heaviest snowfall in over 60 years is being reported in Beijing, China. To give you an idea of how bad it is, the army is now using snowplows to run over dissidents.

According to “Time” magazine, executives at the Wall Street firm Goldman Sachs were paid an average of $600,000 last year. And that was just by Congress.

Televangelist Pat Robertson said the earthquake in Haiti happened because they were cursed. He says when they were a French colony, they made a pact with the devil to get rid of the French. Pat, please! You don’t need a pact with the devil to beat the French.

NASA officials said today that they found a small plastic container of cocaine inside the space shuttle. They think it may have been placed there by illegal aliens.

In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I’m such an idiot they now want me to run the network.

It’s been reported that Tiger Woods has checked into a sex rehab clinic. Actually he’s checked into three sex clinics, but they don’t know about each other.

First Lady Michelle Obama says she doesn’t let her daughters watch the show “Jersey Shore.” When asked why, the first lady said, “Because I love my children.”

Some scholars of ancient Hebrew are now suggesting that certain portions of the Bible could have been written centuries earlier than others. The scholars say they know this because the newer portions all begin, “Previously, on ‘The Bible.’”

People are worried about NBC. Earlier today, President Obama announced that he's sending in 30,000 troops.

The Golden Globes Awards are on this weekend. People say the Golden Globes is an indicator of what the Academy Awards will be: long and boring.

They have now built robotic women. They're anatomically correct, they have synthetic skin, and they can carry on minimal conversations. As a matter of fact, the Republican Party wants to run one for vice president.

There's a new book out that says Sarah Palin is an "ignoramus," who believes Saddam Hussein was responsible for 9/11. I thought that was George Bush, wasn't it?

"It was my salute to the Washington Monument"

"Doctor suggested I do more nude cardio"

"Why should only airport scanners see me naked?"

"It's a sweltering nine degrees outside"

"I'm Dick Cheney and if I want to jog naked, dammit I'll jog naked!"

"Distraught over Carson Daly's future"

"It's change we can believe in"

"Wasn't this cool when Bubba was president?"

"Good lord, was I hammered!"

"Naked? I was wearing a hat!"

The White House issued a statement today blaming government inefficiencies on old computers. Apparently, they've all been crashing, and everyone knows the only crashing tolerated at the White House is during state dinners.

They're replacing any technology that's obsolete, broken down, or causes problems. Desktops, laptops, Joe Biden...

Usually, destruction doesn't mix well with comedy, just look at the NBC late night schedule.

President Obama recently said, “We’ve spent so much time talking about the House bill versus the Senate bill that we haven’t been able to talk about how great the bill is overall.” Then someone asked him how great it was, and he was like, “Not that great.”

A new study revealed that losing a few pounds prior to surgery could help reduce the risk of complications. When they heard this, Americans were like, “Eh, we’ll take our chances.”

A man in Oregon was arrested after police searched his car and found a half-pound of marijuana, mushrooms, hashish, two rifles, a machete, and a samurai sword. Or as TSA screeners would call it, “nothing suspicious.”

Authorities investigated a plane in Michigan after a man locked himself in the bathroom and said he had a bomb. The man says he’s very sorry, and will definitely find a new way to refer to going to the bathroom.