Thursday Jan 07 2010
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Good news for Gilbert Arenas. He got “Athlete of the Year” from “Guns & Ammo” magazine.
Authorities say the crime rate in Los Angeles last year was the lowest in 50 years. Murders are down 18 percent. Apparently, gang members realized that instead of killing people, you can just “de-friend” them on Facebook.
A new book claims that President Franklin Delano Roosevelt secretly has skin cancer and that’s what actually killed him in 1945. This is a stunning claim because, if it turns out to be true, it would make no difference whatsoever.
The most popular boys’ names in 2009 were Ethan, Noah, and Logan. The least popular boy name for 2009: Tiger Madoff Gosselin.
Legal experts are saying that if he’s convicted, the underwear bomber could be sentenced to life in a federal prison. But even worse, for the rest of his life he’ll be known as “the Underwear Bomber.”
Yesterday a naked jogger was stopped near the White House. Secret Service grabbed the man and immediately allowed him to allowed him to attend a state dinner.
Next week President Obama will visit the auto show in Detroit and look at cars from the Big Three automakers. Or as the Big Three automakers put it, "The new owner is coming for a visit.”
Today in New Jersey, the state Senate defeated a bill that would have legalized gay marriage. Ten senators voted against the bill, five voted for the bill, and three others said they could go both ways.
Late Show with David Letterman
Last night on CBS was the People’s Choice Awards. And it’s official, the people chose to watch something else.
Did you hear about this guy on the flight to Detroit that tried to make his underwear explode? He was wearing “Fruit of the Lunatic.”
The guy wasn’t too bright. He said he was doing a suicide bombing to work his way up the al-Qaida organization.
They took the guy to court, and he was charged with having “weapons of mass destruction” in his pants. He told the judge, “Well, I get no complaints from the ladies.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Things I've Learned From the Last 20 Years of Television
Better to be bald than have a hairpiece like Letterman
Do not buy sushi from the Home Shopping Network
Thanks to iTunes, now you can get free TV shows for 99 cents
Widesceen televisions were invented to accommodate Keith Olbermann's enormous head
Sadly, "Cougar Town" is not a show about people getting attacked by giant cats
Sitting close to the TV is a cheap alternative to a tanning salon
No one on Earth is funnier than Howie Mandel
There is no good way to tell your spouse you want to go on "Wife Swap"
Ever notice all morning weathermen are as fat as a dump truck?
Television is not a vast wasteland, it's a cesspool
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
I see NBC making all of these mistakes but I do like to think we still make the crappiest late night TV show.
When all is said and done, we’ll be remembered as the one that sucked the most.
But what did we do? We sucked at the same damn time. Every night.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
That couple that crashed a White House state dinner back in November is hosting a party at a nightclub in Vegas next weekend. But to get in, you have to not be on the list.
A 92-year-old man was cited for reckless driving yesterday after he crashed his car into a restaurant, then sat down and ate breakfast. The amazing part? When he was done, he still couldn't remember where he parked.
Remember the Balloon Boy? Well, his dad, Richard Heene, is now saying that his balloon stunt was not a hoax after all. Man, now I don’t know what to believe. Richard Heene, or the truth?
A man in Washington, D.C. was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I'd say that's probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.