Monday Dec 21 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Do you believe that huge snowstorm in D.C.? Pretty amazing. President Obama spent one day in Copenhagen and global warming is solved.
Meteorologists are calling this a record blizzard, which makes sense if you think about it. Republicans always said the Senate would pass healthcare when hell freezes over.
While speaking in Copenhagen on Friday, President Obama said the time for talk is over. Then he went on to give his speech.
In Washington this week, President Obama is expecting a visit from Santa Claus. Finally, an invited guest at the White House.
The Senate is trying to pass healthcare by Christmas, and they took a rare vote last night at 1:00 a.m. They scheduled it for 1:00 a.m. because that’s when John McCain gets up to visit the bathroom.
Swiss watchmaker Tag Heuer is re-evaluating their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. Which is ironic, because in order to schedule a career, a wife, and 14 mistresses, you need a really good watch.
It’s been reported that over the weekend Tiger Woods went sailing on his yacht, which he named “Privacy.” Which is a lot better than its old name, “Captain Player’s Booty Boat.”
Over the weekend in Washington D.C., an off-duty police officer pulled a gun in the middle of a snowball fight. And guess what? He won.
Late Show with David Letterman
Today is the shortest day of the year. The longest day of the year, of course, will be Christmas with your relatives.
Senators are ready to pass the healthcare bill. It’s the most important issue to Americans — at least until “American Idol.”
Here’s No. 3 of things more fun than reading the Sarah Palin memoir: Getting beaten up by a guy in a Santa suit.
Late Show Top Ten
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
I bought a Christmas tree over the weekend. It’s important to examine your tree. Does it have all its needles? Are there any critters living in it? Critters like bugs, chipmunks, Baldwins . . .
When you get your tree, check for damage. Does it have any dents in it? Dents from Tiger Woods?
Trees should be fake. I don’t like the idea of cutting down living trees. Here in L.A., we want our trees to be like our breasts — fake.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
About 800 flights at New York City’s three major airports were canceled this weekend because of the weather — 800! That’s like five more than usual.
The Senate's healthcare bill is expected to pass on Christmas Eve. The healthcare overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or as Wal-Mart calls them, "employees."
President Obama said the federal government can no longer spend taxpayers’ money like it is monopoly money. Especially since monopoly money is now more valuable than the dollar.
Over the weekend, the U.S. transferred twelve Guantanamo detainees to their homelands of Afghanistan, Yemen and Somalia. Wait, we’re sending potential terrorists back to Afghanistan? That’s like dropping Roman Polanski off at a Jonas Brothers concert.