Tuesday Dec 15 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Huge protests and hundreds of arrests at the U.N. Climate Change Conference in Denmark. At one point it got so bad, police had to put an Al Gore speech on loudspeakers to try and sedate the crowd.
I thought this was nice. I saw Prancer, Dancer and Vixen on TMZ today. Not the reindeer. Just the latest women linked to Tiger Woods.
The latest speculation is that Tiger Woods may be trying to rekindle his marriage by taking his wife on a cruise on his yacht. You know, before it becomes her yacht.
The government of Iran is combating thousands of student protesters by slowing their Internet access to a crawl. You know how they did it? They switched the whole country to AOL.
Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22 million missing e-mails from President George W. Bush’s administration. You can tell the e-mails are from the Bush administration because they all begin, “Dear Santa.”
New York City is encouraging people to ride bikes to work by requiring office buildings to allow bicycles in elevators. Meanwhile, here in Los Angeles, they’re working on a new plan that will require people to drive two cars to work.
The latest rumor is that Tiger Woods is trying to patch things up with his wife by offering to have another baby together. Apparently, Tiger told his wife, “Come on — I’ve been practicing like crazy.”
The number of text messages sent in the United States has increased more than 52 times in the last six years. That’s amazing — another record set by Tiger Woods.
Late Show with David Letterman
This week, a White House official said the recession is over. And then another White House official said no, it’s definitely not over. And you wonder how those party crashers got in.
The White House announced that the Guantanamo Bay detainees will be sent to a prison in Illinois. This really should make up for Chicago not getting the Olympics.
It’ll be the first time someone has gone from Cuba to Illinois who didn’t pitch for the Cubs.
Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is now saying that global warming is a conspiracy. She doesn’t believe it’s true, even though she can see the polar ice cap melting from her house.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways Regis is Passing the Time While Recovering From Hip Surgery
It's none of your damn business
Annoying the hell out of Joy
Watching movies on Lifetime and crying my eyes out
Making my Craftmatic adjustable bed go up and down, up and down, up and down
Forging doctor's signature to get extra morphine
While gazing into next door apartment window I witnessed a murder
Listening to my new CD, "Regis & Joy: Just You, Just Me," in stores everywhere
Wandering streets asking strangers if they want to see my scar
Thanking God for my daily sponge baths from Gelman
I'm sitting here bored out of my mind. Why do you think I'm talking to you?
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Tiger’s wife Elin was spotted in Florida pumping gas without her wedding ring on. But nobody has seen Tiger. His only public statements thus far have been on his Twitter page: “Still hiding, still hiding, still hiding.”
Over the weekend, a new alleged mistress came forward. That is 14 now, which, I think, makes Tiger Woods eligible for a free six-foot sub.
All over the country this week, high school-aged boys are quitting the football team and taking up golf.
Santa Claus, as you know, has a plan to fly around the world and deliver toys to all the good little boys and girls. Unfortunately he’s being blocked right now by Joe Lieberman.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Listen to this. During his speech at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C. today, President Obama said he thinks energy efficiency and retrofitting are "sexy." He had to cut the speech short, however, after Al Gore showed up and tried to give him a lap dance.
Yeah, President Obama was at a Home Depot. He said he was looking for the perfect shovel to whack Joe Lieberman in the head with.
There are a lot of holiday parties coming up at the White House. Obama’s getting ready to host the administration’s first Hanukkah party tomorrow. Kind of an embarrassing moment though. Today, after they lit the menorah, Biden blew it out and made a wish.
Did you hear this? Arnold Schwarzenegger is criticizing Sarah Palin for calling global warming “bogus.” It’s really confusing. I mean, the last time I saw Sarah Palin fighting with the Terminator, I was drunk on Halloween.