Monday Dec 14 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Today at the White House, President Obama met with a group of the nation’s top Wall Street bankers. I still don’t think they get it. They walked into the White House and said to Obama, “You live in this dump? What is this, a guest house?”
If you saw it on “60 Minutes” last night, President Obama said never again would an uninvited guest sneak into the White House. So more bad news for Joe Biden.
Did you hear about these five American Muslims who went to Pakistan to try to join up with al-Qaida? Well, they got rejected. Al-Qaida rejected them because they lacked the proper credentials and references. Isn’t that unbelievable? Do you realize it is harder to get into al-Qaida than it is to get in the White House?
Tiger issued a statement saying he is taking an indefinite break from professional golf. Of course, this is going to have a huge economic impact. Not only will this cost the tour millions, it means hundreds of cocktail waitresses will have to live on tips again.
AT&T announced that they’re thinking about dropping Tiger Woods as their spokesperson. Which seems unfair because AT&T has made millions off of Tiger just from his text messages.
During an interview last night, Oprah Winfrey asked President Obama what grade he would give himself for his first year in office and he said a B-plus. Then Oprah shook her head and said, “I didn’t pay for a B-plus.”
The company that makes Cocoa Puffs has announced plans to significantly lower the amount of sugar in the cereal. As a result, that bird will no longer say, “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” but instead say, “I’m moderately interested in Cocoa Puffs.”
Last night, someone threw a heavy object at the prime minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, which split his lip and broke several teeth. It all happened during the Italian prime minister’s appearance on an episode of “Jersey Shore.”
Late Show with David Letterman
Everyone is getting into the holiday spirit. What’s more festive than a sidewalk Santa with a swine flu mask?
The post office is saying today is the last day to get your packages in the mail if you want them lost by Christmas.
This week, the United States Postal Service will handle 200 million pieces of mail. They won’t deliver any of them, they’ll just handle them.
Tiger Woods won’t be playing golf for a while. In fact, the last person to pick up a club at his house was his wife.
Late Show Top Ten
Least Popular Mall Stores
Frederick's of Bayonne
Andy Dick's Sporting Goods
Godiva "It Might Be Chocolate"
Filene's Damp Crawlspace
Regis' Used Hip Emporium
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today is the 506th birthday of Nostradamus. Nostradamus was the guy who could see into the future. He was the Miss Cleo of his day.
They didn’t have phones in his day, so they used carrier pigeons. They were more patient back then.
Back in Nostradamus’ time, they also used carrier pigeons for their sex-chat lines.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Over the weekend, hundreds of people dressed like Santa Claus took part in New York’s annual Santa Claus holiday pub crawl. Because that's a great thing for kids to see two weeks before Christmas. “Look honey, Santa's throwing up on the sidewalk. I told you he was real!"
In order to boost attendance, a church in New Jersey is offering “Football Sunday,” where people can wear jerseys to church and tailgate in the parking lot. That sounds like a great idea. “In the name of the father and the son . . . I’m sorry, I’ve got to take off this foam finger.”
Researchers at NYU have discovered a new technique that can erase bad memories and fear in humans. It’s called whiskey.
The Obamas said that on Christmas Eve they will leave milk and cookies in the yellow room for Santa. And today, Glenn Beck accused them of trying to bribe a foreign dignitary.