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The Best of Late Nite Jokes

Friday Jun 05 2009

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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Conan

President Obama gave an historic speech yesterday in Egypt. President Obama impressed listeners by beginning his speech with the traditional Islamic greeting, "assalaamu alaykum.” It was especially impressive, because a year ago, President Bush opened with “Shalom, Amigos

President Obama gave a speech at Egypt’s Cairo University. The crowd at Cairo University loved Obama’s speech – especially the joke he made about their rival Cairo State.

This is big ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow the Post Office is giving the area around Dodger Stadium its own zip code and renaming it Dodgertown. They’re also going to rename the area around where the Clippers play, “Suckville”.

Today is National Donut Day. Or as Kirstie Alley calls it, “Friday.”

Paula Abdul is in the news. Paula Abdul is still negotiating her ‘American Idol' contract. It could take a while, because she’s negotiating it with the voices in her head and a lamppost.

Late Show with David Letterman

“President Obama is continuing his World tour. Yesterday he was in Egypt. Did you see that? He visited the pyramids of Giza and called them “awe-inspiring.” That was an improvement over President Bush’s tour of the pyramids - he called them “pointy.”

“Happy Birthday to Kenny G, who turned 53 today. He had a huge birthday party in one of New York’s hottest elevators. ”

“The season premiere of “Weeds” is this Monday. Or if you’re in college, it premieres tonight, tomorrow morning, maybe after English class, or in your friend’s basement.”

“A nude photo of Carla Bruni – the first lady of France – sold at an auction Thursday for over $19,000. The buyer reportedly said (in Bill Clinton voice) “Worth. Every. Penny.””

“Congratulations to Randy Johnson for winning his 300th game last night. He’s 45 years old and still pitching. Amazing. He's also leads the league in Runs to the Bathroom.”