Thursday Dec 03 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Twenty-eight years old! That shows you how quickly things can change. Britney is now back on top of her game and Tiger Woods is in the tabloids for crashing his car. Who could have seen . . .
President Obama and the Democratic majority in congress are now assembling a new jobs package. The area with the most job openings: White House security. A lot of jobs there.
How is this for nerve? That White House party crashing couple, the Salahis . . . They refused an invitation to testify before Congress today. They refused. Isn’t that unbelievable? The one thing they actually get invited to and they don’t show up.
This week, America’s last living World War I veteran, a man named Frank Buckles, 108 years old, said he’d like to see a memorial in D.C. . . You know, when he gets back from Afghanistan.
It’s been reported that President Obama’s speech on Tuesday about Afghanistan helped give NBC its best ratings in a long time. So look out this spring for NBC’s new shows: “Afghanistan’s Got Talent,” “Law & Order: Kabul,” and “The Tonight Show with Hamid O’Karzai.”
Today President Obama hosted a jobs summit at the White House and he met with the CEOs of Google, FedEx and American Airlines. The CEO of Chrysler was late and said, “Sorry, car trouble.”
Police in Texas have seized a batch of Ecstasy pills shaped like President Obama. The cops also seized a batch of Ex-Lax tablets shaped like John McCain.
Earlier today, New Jersey announced this year’s inductees into the New Jersey Hall of Fame. So congratulations to “trash” and “raw sewage.”
Late Show with David Letterman
Late Show Top Ten
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Barbara Walters list of “10 Most Fascinating People” has come out. This year, it’s Tiger Woods and nine women he’s sleeping with.
Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama’s face on them. The drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change, and then send you off to a far-away place.
It’s Ozzie Osbourne’s birthday today. If he’s watching, he’s probably like, “It is?”
Ozzy is 61 today. But he doesn’t look a day over a thousand.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Yesterday everyone in New York watched the lighting of the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center. I don’t know why they make such a big deal about it — here in California, we light the whole forest.
This year, the lights will be partly lit by the sun, in an effort to pretend to care about the environment.
Here’s an idea — if you really care about the environment, don’t chop down a giant, 70-year-old tree.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Oprah Winfrey will sit down with the Obamas for Christmas at the White House, an Oprah prime-time special. I love the ad — “Oprah, Obama, Jesus Christ — one night only! ABC . . . “
For the taping of the Christmas special, there will be dozens of Secret Service guys — sharp shooters, bomb-sniffing dogs . . . and of course, Obama will have protection too.
A new study ranked the people in Minneapolis as the smartest people in the U.S. New York didn’t even rank in the top 10. That is so “non-good.”