Thursday Dec 10 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
It’s been cold here in Los Angeles. I woke up this morning and I actually had frost on my Windows Vista.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner confirmed today that we are expected to lose $30 billion of our investment in the auto industry. He admits he lost $30 billion of our money. To which Bernie Madoff goes, “Hey, I could have done better than that. Why isn’t he in jail?”
A lot of people don’t understand why President Obama won the peace prize. You know something, look around you. Peaceful. Went to the mall this week. Peaceful. Open house by my house. Not one person came in. It’s a peaceful economy we live in.
It’s not looking good for Tiger Woods. According to a poll today, 88 percent of women have an unfavorable opinion of Tiger Woods. The other 12 percent are cocktail waitresses.
Temperatures here were once again in the 40s last night and now another rainstorm is expected to drop a half inch of rain on L.A. by the morning. So I guess this is goodbye.
President Obama accepted his Nobel Peace Prize today in Norway, and the audience included Will Smith and Wyclef Jean. It truly was a historic day, because for the first time ever, there were three black guys in Norway.
According to a new poll, 44 percent of Americans wish President Bush were back in office. However, it’s only 20 percent if you exclude comedy writers.
Late Show with David Letterman
Cold in New York. So cold, bin Laden was seen hiding in the border region between Palm Beach and Fort Lauderdale.
Obama went to receive his Nobel Prize. It’s the beginning of the award season so the event was hosted by Neil Patrick Harris.
Something weird happened at the ceremony. The Salahis showed up. How’d that happen?
Here’s No. 16 of things more fun than reading the Sarah Palin book: having a tray of needles thrown in your face.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Text Messages Sent By Tiger Woods
I'm sorry, which mistress is this again?
I was dreaming about you when I was passed out in the street
You're breaking up with me for Lee Trevino?!
Sorry about last night — I had the yips
Did I leave a green jacket at your place?
My wife has the car. I'll have to pick you up in the golf cart
Why aren't the LPGA girls interested?
Hey Tiger — it's Tiger — wanna have sex tonight?
Thanks for changing your grip
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived but it had a pre-existing condition.
It was announced that George Stephanopoulos will replace Diane Sawyer on “Good Morning America.” He’ll do fine — he’s got the legs for it.
Obama accepted the peace prize today. I don’t want to say that Obama love is out of control, but his acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize won the Pulitzer Prize.
If the Nobel Prize weren’t enough, his overall performance just won an Oscar.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Another woman has just emerged who claims she had an affair with Tiger Woods. What a fun thing this must be for Tiger Woods. It’s like he cracked open a piñata and the fun never stops.
This morning President Obama received the Nobel Peace Prize. He angered some Scandinavians when he left right after the ceremony. Usually the winner stays and has dinner with the committee. I don’t think it’s a good time to make Scandinavians angry . . . not after Tiger was caught cheating on his Scandinavian wife . . . he could wind up with a golf club through the windshield of Air Force One.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
It was a big day for President Obama. During his Nobel Prize acceptance speech in Norway, Obama stated, “Let us reach for the world that ought to be — that spark of the divine that still stirs within each of our souls.” Obama got those words from his new speechwriter, Ken Hallmark.
There’s a new product called "Texthook" that lets parents strap phones to strollers so they can text while pushing their children. The most common text message is, “OMG, just crashed my baby into another baby!”
The elementary school in Indonesia where President Obama went as a child, just unveiled a statue of him as a 10-year-old. It's very realistic — in fact, today Joe Biden spent like 20 minutes talking to it. The sculptor said he worked on it for like two months. But after he finished the ears, the rest took like five minutes.
Yesterday, citizens of Norway woke up to a weird swirling blue light in the sky, which the Russian Defense Ministry later claimed was due to a failed missile test. Oh, thank God. I was worried it was a UFO. Nice to know it’s just a renegade Russian missile.