Thursday Jun 25 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
At a press conference yesterday, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford admitted to having a mistress from Argentina. Then there was then an awkward moment as he waited for someone to give him a high-five.
Sanford may have broken the law because he left the country without transferring power to his lieutenant governor. Apparently Sanford violated South Carolina’s sacred “Bro’s Before Ho’s” law.
A British furniture company was caught trying to slip advertisements into Twitter by linking them to the Iranian election crisis. Probably the most shameless had to be, “Tired of all the unrest? Try our Serta Perfect Sleeper!”
In Sweden, a new law was passed that allows Swedish women to go topless in public swimming pools. When it came to a vote, half the politicians voted “Yes” and the other half voted “Hell Yes.”
Late Show with David Letterman
It's Gay Pride Week in New York City. Everyone is celebrating. In fact, the Statue of Liberty today was holding a mojito.
All the street vendors are selling inflatable Anderson Coopers.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad held an election victory party. At the party, he thanked the 148 percent of the people who voted for him.
Ahmadinejad is keeping a low profile, a result of the contested election. When asked about him, his staff said he was out hiking.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprising Facts About Gov. Mark Sanford
10. Began last State of the State address with, "Yo, what's happenin', mama?"
9. Promised his wife he'd be faithful within the 48 contiguous states
8. On Facebook, lists his relationship status as, "It's complicated"
7. Becoming disgraced governor ruined his dream of becoming disgraced president
6. Hoping scandal will get him out of attending in-laws' Fourth of July cookout
5. Was sick and tired of Eliot Spitzer holding title "Love Gov"
4. Often gets fan mail intended for Redd Foxx
3. His goal in life is to commit adultery on all seven continents
2. Made it safe for me to joke about Republican governors again
1. Entered politics because he enjoyed polling
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today is National Catfish Day. You're supposed to recognize the value of catfish. I recognize their value by eating them.
I found out today that there was a Hall of Fame baseball player named Catfish Hunter. Whenever he would pitch he would put a live catfish in his pants. That's not true.
Catfish can be enormous. The biggest one is like an anchovy on Drew Carey's pizza.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Michael Jackson died today in Los Angeles. Reports say he died of cardiac arrest. All the local news channels went live with the coverage. Michael Jackson has a star on the walkway, but you can't get to it right now because it's being blocked by the new "Borat" movie premier. Instead fans gathered at another star on the block . . . but they didn't seem to realize that star belongs to Michael Jackson, the radio talk-show host.
Michael Jackson helped break down racial prejudice in the country. He was a powerful symbol. He was a black performer who whites could relate to, and then later in life, he was a white performer who blacks could relate to . . . is it too soon?
The governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, who had been missing for four days, admitted visiting his mistress in Argentina. I think that's outrageous. How dare this married man, in this economy, outsource to a foreign country when there are plenty of slutty women living right here in the United States?
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
There was a new development in the Mark Sanford story. His wife, Jenny, kicked him out of their home when she heard about the affair. In response Hillary Clinton said, "Wait — you can do that?"
The movie "Transformers" made over $60 million yesterday. I can't believe so many people are interested in Chastity Bono's bio movie.
The men's U.S. soccer team upset Spain yesterday to advance in the finals. Thrilling news for American soccer fans . . . they both went crazy.