Tuesday Jul 07 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
It’s an emotional day. A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America’s most entertaining figures who left us all too soon. But don’t worry folks, Sarah Palin will be back.
Sen. John McCain was reportedly surprised by Sarah Palin’s resignation as governor of Alaska. McCain was also surprised to find that television now comes in color.
Today in Russia, President Obama delivered a speech to the graduating class of Moscow’s New economic school. The title of his speech was “Can We Borrow 4 Trillion Rubles?”
Yesterday President Obama met with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev; this morning he met with Prime Minister Vladimir Putin; and then this afternoon he met with former President Mikhail Gorbachev. At the end of each meeting Obama would twist the Russian leader at this waist, then the next slightly smaller leader would pop out.
Late Show with David Letterman
Bernie Madoff hired a prison consultant to learn how to live in the can. His first piece of advice was, "Bernie, try not to look so smokin' hot."
Bernie's wife says she has about $ 90 million. But she says it's not from swindling — it's money she saved by properly inflating her tires.
They said, "Ruth we don't believe you," and they left her with about $2.5 million." Poor Ruth. Bernie called her today and said, "Look, Ruth . . . I can double your money . . ."
If everything goes right, he'll be in prison for the next 150 years. He has 149 years, 11 months, 23 days, 10 hours, 22 minutes, and 35 seconds left. When you look at it like that, it doesn't seem so bad.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Messages On Sarah Palin's Answering Machine
10. "Hi, It's George W. Bush. Why didn't anyone tell me resigning was an option?"
9. "It's John McCain . . . why did I call?"
8. "Mark Sanford here. Ever been to Argentina?"
7. "I'm calling from GEICO to see if you want to renew your dogsled insurance"
6. "It's Letterman — we still cool?"
5. "McCain again. Still no idea why I called"
4. "Hi, it's the dry cleaner. Having trouble getting caribou blood out of your Prada jacket"
3. "Hi, it's Sarah . . . oops . . . dialed my own number"
2. "Schwarzenegger here. If you want a job, California could use a new governor"
1. "Hey, it's McCain. Who would've thought you'd retire before I did?"
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's an end of an era. Michael Jackson was the biggest star in the world for years. I remember when I first heard the "Thriller" video. I don't remember where the bar was, but it was 1983 so it's a safe bet I was in a bar.
Everyone was anxious to see it on MTV. This was when MTV played music videos. Not like now — it's like "surprise a skank with a camera."
The "Thriller" video answered the age-old question, Can zombies dance? The answer is, Yes they can!
I saw Michael Jackson in concert at Wembley Stadium in London. There were 70,000 English people there — about 300 teeth and 70,000 English people.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon