Tuesday Jul 14 2009
Late Night Jokes Delivered to your Mailbox Daily!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Yesterday in Washington, President Obama was in the middle of giving a speech when his teleprompter fell to the floor and shattered. Meanwhile Joe Biden's teleprompter has been treated for exhaustion.
Sonia Sotomayor’s confirmation hearings are well underway. Political experts say that if Republican senators attack Sonia Sotomayor too harshly, they could alienate Latino members of their own party. This may explain why Republicans opened every question with, “As a huge fan of Santana . . .”
More details are coming out about Judge Sotomayor: Apparently, she’s a big New York Yankees Fan. This is good news for the Yankees because apparently they really need a strong lefty off the bench.
Former President George W. Bush released the final list of all the guests who stayed overnight at the White House when he was president. The most frequent visitor was someone known as “The Wiggles.”
Late Show with David Letterman
Swindler Bernie Madoff was moved to a prison down in Atlanta, so it will be harder for his wife Ruth to visit him. And I thought, “Well, finally . . . things are starting to go Bernie’s way.”
He’s in prison for swindling billions of dollars. He’s in prison for 150 years. When you go to the can, though, you get a job. His job is sweeping the prison floor. He makes 14 cents a d ay . . . think about it . . . 150 years, at 14 cents a day . . . That adds up.
Dick Cheney was vice president for eight years. Well, it turns out that he had a secret hit squad for al-Qaida . . . his own personal hit squad he set up with the CIA to assassinate al-Qaida members. Here’s who was on the team: Lee Marvin, Jim Brown, Telly Savalas, and Trini Lopez as Pedro.
The secret assassination squad was a tough group of guys. To make the team, you had to survive a hunting trip with Cheney.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Sonia Sotomayor Is Getting Cocky
10. Addressed senators with "Whaddaya say, meat?"
9. Spent the entire hearing updating her Twitter page
8. Interrupted questioning to get fitted for her robe
7. Turned surprisingly hostile when told "No open containers"
6. Left early to tackle the case of Sotomayor v. Applebee's riblets
5. Started hitting on Clarence Thomas
4. Kept referring to Al Franken as "Church Lady"
3. Phoned in from All Star Game in St. Louis to see how the confirmation hearings were going
2. Only answers she gave were "Maybe," and "How the hell should I know?"
1. Took the day off to go salmon fishing with Sarah Palin
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today is the greatest day ever — it’s National Nude Day.
No, it’s a great day because it’s Bastille Day. Bastille Day was the beginning of the French Revolution. It was a period of turmoil for France. Napoleon turned up as a hero for a while, then he was kicked out. Then they decided they wanted him back so they put him on at 10 o’clock on NBC . . .
French revolutionaries heard there were political prisoners inside the Bastille, so they broke into the Bastille with a battering ram made of soft cheese. Much of my research is done on Wikipedia.
When they got inside, they found out there weren’t any political prisoners, just drunks, thieves, and sexual deviants — like the cast of “60 Minutes.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The death of Michael Jackson continues to be at the top of the news. He meant a lot to a lot of people. I mean, Sarah Palin quit her job because of it.
Now Sarah Palin and her husband are holed up in their igloo listening to “I Can’t Stop Loving You” over and over again.
Both his sister, Latoya Jackson, and his father, Joe Jackson, think Michael was murdered. At the top of their list of suspects? Joe and Latoya Jackson.
There are all sorts of crazy rumors going around about Michael Jackson. One of them is that his brain is someplace other than with the rest of his body. I don’t know who has it, but I do find it a little suspicious that Donald Trump is suddenly able to moonwalk.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama attended the All-Star Game in St. Louis today. He was there to give a 10-run bailout to whoever was losing in the ninth inning.
Sarah Palin’s friends say they are worried about her — she looks frail and her hair is thinning. But it’s all part of her plan to run for president in 2012 as John McCain.
Democrats want an investigation into a secret CIA program that was concealed from Congress by Dick Cheney. It was so secret that Cheney could tell you about it, but then he’d have to take you hunting.
President Obama’s teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered during a speech about the economy yesterday. Even speeches about the economy are crashing. That’s bad.