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Tags: mcnulty | meltzer | relationship

Compliments Must Cover More Than Good Looks

compliments should be about more than good looks

(Wavebreakmedia Ltd./Dreamstime)

Wendy L. Patrick By Friday, 18 January 2019 04:18 PM EST Current | Bio | Archive

Let´s face it; we live in a society with a focus on the physical. Physical beauty is showcased on the news, plastered on magazine covers, and paraded down the red carpet during Hollywood award shows. In addition, due to the ubiquity of social media, it is virtually impossible (pun intended) to escape the images.

Amidst the fanfare of celebrating the beautiful is the contrasting reality that most people are not.

Consequently, celebrating beauty creates insecurity for most of the population. This unfortunate, unwholesome situation drives people to pursue a variety of image-enhancing strategies. Some decide to join a gym to get in shape; others pursue bodily enhancements, while still others lament genetic misfortune.

Thankfully, the vast majority of people are not anywhere near as superficial as social media and entertainment shows lead us to believe. Most people pursue and enjoy happy, healthy, loving relationships every day with individuals who are not physically perfect.

Everyone knows that beauty is much more than skin deep.

Indeed, within romantic relationships, problems can arise if there is a focus solely on the physical. This is ironic in a sense because loving unions often provide a sense of security and self-esteem for the physically imperfect. Nonetheless, although it is important to affirm physical attractiveness, research shows that might not be enough.

Love Me for My Body — and Brain

Relational partners derive satisfaction in part from knowing their significant other finds them physically attractive. Yet alone, that might not be sufficient. A study by Andrea L. Meltzer and James K. McNulty (in 2014) called "Tell me I´m sexy . . . and otherwise valuable" demonstrated that within heterosexual committed relational partners, positive body valuation was associated with relationship satisfaction only when it was paired by positive valuation of non-physical qualities.

They found that body valuation without valuation of nonphysical qualities decreased relationship satisfaction for both men and women.

These findings ring of common sense. In a world where the worth of physical attributes is emphasized sometimes to the extreme, many people are understandably self-conscious about their shortcomings. The key for many couples appears to be an understanding and appreciation of their respective standards of beauty.

Meeting of the Minds — And Body

Partners apparently need to be on the same page regarding the importance of physical traits within a relationship. Meltzer and McNulty´s study contained a review of relevant research regarding the importance of physical attraction to one´s partner, and its impact on relational satisfaction. They observe that intimate relational partners are happier when they meet each other´s standards and ideals.

Believe it or not, this included the observation that having a partner with an attractive body is often so important to men that they have reported preferring to have a female partner with a sexually transmitted disease or a history of psychological problems to a woman who is obese.

Findings such as these are disheartening to many people who might already be insecure about their appearance. However, for anyone who thinks the physically perfect are perfectly secure should think again.

Everyone desires to be admired for what is on the outside — and on the inside.

Beauty — More Than Skin Deep 

Anyone who has invested time and money into cultivating an appealing exterior often worry that a partner´s attraction is indeed exactly that: skin deep. This concern is magnified when a relationship is superficial, as is often the case with casual daters.

Sure enough, Meltzer and McNulty found that for women, body valuation by a male partner who is not committed is negatively associated with relational satisfaction. This should not be surprising to anyone who has been involved with a partner who appears to be focused on the physical. Because when it comes to relational satisfaction, there is so much more.

Below the surface, everyone has an abundance of qualities to affirm, because we are all so different. In a world where most people feel like trees blending into the same forest, a partner who affirms our distinctiveness makes us feel like a snowflake.

Special and unique.

And here is the best part — such affirmation does not have to have anything to do with physical attractiveness.

If you have ever had your significant other compliment you on your talent in a certain area, exclaim what a great point you made, or praise your brilliant analysis on a subject with which they are unfamiliar, you know what I mean. Those comments and observations stay with you, because they are edifying, uplifting, and downright flattering. And notice again — they have nothing to do with your appearance.

Partners Come As a Package

Partners present a constellation of positive qualities, nicely tied together with a bow of commitment. Cherish each other for both the outward and inward attractive qualities you each bring to the table. Your reward will be the gift that keeps on giving — a happy, healthy relationship that will stand the test of time.

A version of this article was originally published in Psychology Today.

Wendy L. Patrick is a career prosecutor, named the Ronald M. George Public Lawyer of the Year, and recognized by her peers as one of the Top Ten criminal attorneys in San Diego by the San Diego Daily Transcript. She has completed over 150 trials ranging from human trafficking, to domestic violence, to first-degree murder. She is President of the Association of Threat Assessment Professionals San Diego Chapter and an ATAP Certified Threat Manager. Dr. Patrick is a frequent media commentator with over 3,00 appearances including CNN, Fox News Channel, Newsmax, and many others. She is author of "Red Flags" (St. Martin´s Press), and co-author of the revised version of the New York Times bestseller "Reading People" (Random House). On a personal note, Dr. Patrick holds a purple belt in Shorin-Ryu karate, is a concert violinist with the La Jolla Symphony, and plays the electric violin with a rock band. To read more of her reports — Click Here Now.

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Partners present a constellation of positive qualities, nicely tied together with a bow of commitment. Cherish each other for both the outward and inward attractive qualities you each bring to the table.
mcnulty, meltzer, relationship
Friday, 18 January 2019 04:18 PM
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