Billie Eilish, the 18-year-old phenom who dominated the Grammys with five awards Sunday night, reveals that she’s battled thoughts of suicide and struggled to cope with her "tortuous" sudden fame.
The singer opened up about the dark time in an interview with Gayle King as part of "The Gayle King Grammy Special."
"I didn't ever think I would be happy again, ever," she said, according to E! News.
"I don't want to be too dark, but I genuinely didn't think I would make it to 17," she added.
Did she think she would actually harm herself?
"Yeah," she told King, recalling how close she was to taking her life one night in an empty hotel room.
"I remember there was a window right there," she said. "And I, God. I remember crying because I was thinking about how the way that I was gonna die was I was gonna do it."
Eilish is now on top of the music award, winning Grammys for best album, record of the year, song of the year and best new artist, and best pop vocal album.
She previously admitted going through a self-harm phase and her suicidal thoughts show the severity of the depression she has felt. "It sent me down a hole. I went through a whole self-harming phase," she told Rolling Stone recently. "The gist of it was, I felt like I deserved to be in pain."
It was through her mother, Maggie Baird, that Eilish found the strength to go on.
"We checked in with her all the time about, 'Do you still want to do this?'" Baird said, according to Refinery29. "She loved doing the shows. The fans and the shows, that’s what kept her going."
Eilish celebrated her 18th birthday in December. She is in a much healthier mental state and is now reaching out to her fans who may be dealing with depression.
"I just grab them by the shoulders and I’m like, 'Please take care of yourself and be good to yourself and be nice to yourself,'" she said. "Don’t take that extra step and hurt yourself further."
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