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Get Ready for Bad News

Thursday, 07 November 2002 12:00 AM

If you think you've been bombarded by bad news in the past, you ain't seen nuthin' yet!

Republican control of the White House, the House of Representatives and the U.S. Senate does not mean that those who suffer from "Anxiety Disorder" are giving up their hold on Academia or the Media. These two extra-governmental powerhouses will certainly influence what happens next. Get ready for a virtual tsunami of depressing news stories, statistics, scientific studies and disasters predicted by computer-driven models.

If you're not totally miserable and afraid by Election Day, Nov. 2, 2004, it will be due only to your understanding of what the Democrats are always up to. They have only one arrow left in their quiver with which to grab back power: scare tactics and the guilt trip. They have no agenda, at least not one they'll admit to. All of their socialistic goals have been achieved, and now too much of the population is wise to this.

That's why they lost.

It's not a good thing for too many people to be well-informed, especially if you make your living and derive your power from the arena of Leftist politics.

The Left feels threatened, and therefore, the rest of the nation that has no clue what the Left does, or why they do it, will be running for the Prozac before the Liberal handwringers are done with them.

If you're prepared, not only will you weather the ca-ca storm that's surely coming, but you'll also be able to prosper from it. In the meantime …

Did you know that there are huge pockets of secret homeless people out there who somehow have been overlooked? Yes, it's true. The homeless population has grown and grown no matter what we have tried to do, and now – and until we get another Democrat in the White House – millions of homeless will die! And if they don't die, they will freeze! Or if they don't freeze, they will be starving!

Worse yet, for some unknown reason the homeless have brought millions and millions of innocent women and children to live with them on the grates of America's cities. In fact, did you know we have more homeless children on our streets than Rio or Calcutta?

You just didn't know about these homeless because when Bill Clinton was president, the homeless were housed and well fed. Weren't they? I mean, did we hear about the homeless problem when Clinton was president? So, better get ready for some really bad news in that department.

And did you know that AIDS has somehow leapfrogged from a population of reckless gay men to the rest of the population? You didn't know? Yes, it's true! Countless thousands of heterosexual males and females are now infected. Or they are at risk of infection! The trouble is, they just don't know it! And, it's all the fault of the Republicans because they are mean and nasty to gay people!

It's been determined through the use of sophisticated computer models that a

Can it be long before "the children" are at risk of catching AIDS?

Also, El Niño and La Niña have gotten married! Well, not really, but these two global weather phenomena have somehow gotten together to produce little Niños and Niñaettes! These heartless, deadly offspring will produce floods on one coast and drought on the other!

Also, we are in for global warming in a way that will fry your tamales for sure! That's not all – we also will suffer from global cooling, and there are experts lining up to tell you

But you already know. It's because the nasty Republicans have cut off the funding for the various studies that always prove that Democrats care more about these things!

And did you hear about the rain forests? Yes, it's awful! All those rich white guys sitting around in their Adirondack chairs made of Amazonian hardwoods cut from the precious forests south of here have not only reduced our chances for a cure for cancer, but worse still, the extra land cleared from this thoughtless deforestation also has resulted in massive waves of hot air that in turn have produced not one, not two, but a dozen new holes in the ozone layer!

Better get your umbrellas ready, because skin cancer cannot be far behind.

Crabs in the Chesapeake Bay are dying, eelgrass is wilting, endangered pupfish are going belly up, and that nuclear power plant near your neighborhood is starting to vibrate!

And you heartless GOPers thought there were too many deer because they were committing suicide by running in front of SUVs! They were drowning in swimming pools in our backyards, and you thought it was because we had chased off those heartless hunters! Wrong – you were so wrong about that!

Actually, the deer were just trying to get our attention! They were trying to warn us that if we don't stop sprawling all over the place, they are all going to die! What would America look like without white-tailed deer? Think about it!

Since I mentioned the heartless, vicious hunters, let me just point out that future studies will PROVE that hunters start more fires in the forests than lighting strikes, thereby killing innocent bunnies and the like!

Democrats can prove this, and all other calamities known and yet to be discovered, with statistics! And it's all the Republicans' fault. Especially Bush!

Republicans may have the White House, the House of Representatives and the U.S. Senate, but they don't – by God – have the Media or Academia!

And now they shall pay! And now we're all going to pay unless we finally reveal this shady, angry bunch for who they really are: Sufferers of "Anxiety Disorder."

The trouble with people who suffer from this newly discovered mental disease is that they cannot tell a phony threat from a real one. Just ask Bill Clinton.

A 30-year veteran of the FBI, Gary Aldrich is the author of the best-selling book "Unlimited Access: An FBI Agent Inside the Clinton White House" and founder of The Patrick Henry Center for Individual Liberty.

E-mail Gary Aldrich at

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If you think you've been bombarded by bad news in the past, you ain't seen nuthin' yet! Republican control of the White House, the House of Representatives and the U.S. Senate does not mean that those who suffer from Anxiety Disorder are giving up their hold on Academia...
Thursday, 07 November 2002 12:00 AM
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