Tags: Desperate | Husbands | Not | Housewives

Desperate Husbands, Not Housewives

Monday, 24 April 2006 12:00 AM

Viewing the highly watched ABC Series, "Desperate Housewives" you get the impression the housewives of Wisteria Lane and everywhere U.S.A. are the really desperate. However, in other favorite TV series such as "The O.C.," "Laguna Beach" (Orange County) and "The Real Housewives of the O.C.," (Cota de Caza in the O.C.) the women lead lives of extreme style, prestige, comfort and luxury.

So who's the really "desperate" here? Perhaps it is the men folk - those who are husbands or ex-husbands. My premise is that in the real O.C. and counties elsewhere the truly desperate are the men who have to pay for all these unnecessary materialistic goods with cash/credit and in the process suffer emotional distress.

The other evening I ran into an old friend who asked how I was and what was new. "It's been a busy month," I replied. "We bought a new house at the top of Shady Canyon. My wife got a brand new BMW convertible and I bought a Mercedes sedan for myself. My son is getting married next month in the East and my daughter who married last September is expecting triplets. After all the chaos settles down we are all going to Italy where the family has rented a villa by the sea for three months."

"Really," he replied somewhat surprised, before he realized I was kidding and not playing the, "Orange County one-upsmanship game."

In a recent male focus group the married guys admitted they would be just as happy in their old homes rather than their top-of-the-hill Newport Coast views of the ocean - or Shady Canyon views of the shade. The monthly bills for the new $2-$3 million mortgages, payments on prestigious cars, insurances, taxes, fancy cruises and multiple country clubs can be in the tens of thousands per month! One broken soul told of his property taxes jumping from $1,200 to $20,000 a year.

The number of financially strung-out guys lying in Pacific View cemetery from hypertension, heart attacks, strokes, GI bleeding, obesity and acute anxiety attacks increases yearly.

The divorced ex-husbands must pay alimony and child support in addition to their 'incremental" living and dating expenses. They also play by a unique set of courting rules. They know some women love to date older men - provided they have tons of money. So they have come up with a sliding monetary scale for romance. For instance, if you are older than 60 you can date a younger woman provided you meet certain criteria. This adds more mental and financial stress.

A 60-year-old ex-husband must be worth, say, $25 million to date a 50-year-old woman, $50 million for a 40 year old, $100 million to date a 30 year old and 250 million for a 20 year old. If he dates someone his own age he gets a break; he need only be out of bankruptcy.

Now there are some exceptions to the monetary dating scale.

James, "Harley Jim," V.F., 60 and divorced with less than $25 million in the bank, lives with a beautiful 35-year-old lady of Asian-Italian heritage. But "Harley Jim" has a custom Harley Davidson Deuce Cycle with about $50,000 worth of upgrades making it the fastest scooter in the West. He also drives a black Mercedes 500 CLS. No woman can drive fast enough to get away. Jim is available for free dating consultations at a local Newport Beach coffee shop.

Adding to all this suffering is the contempt some ex-wives have for ex-husbands and men in general. A beautiful O.C. divorced lady in her late 40s told me that when her husband left she replaced him with a puppy for companionship. She neutered Rover immediately and a month later clipped his vocal cords because a neighbor complained about barking. Still, she has no clue why no guy will ask her out.

As I see it the social, economic and political problem is that no one speaks up for the stressed American husbands or exes. The last half decade has seen a plethora of political action groups for the minorities, women, and gay-lesbian lobbies - but few or none for the desperate husbands.

So in summary, maybe what we need is a new reality series called "The Real Desperate Husbands of Orange County." It is these men who desperately need some TLC in the O.C. and throughout the country.

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Viewing the highly watched ABC Series, "Desperate Housewives" you get the impression the housewives of Wisteria Lane and everywhere U.S.A. are the really desperate. However, in other favorite TV series such as "The O.C.," "Laguna Beach" (Orange County) and "The Real...
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Monday, 24 April 2006 12:00 AM
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