Tags: Dems' | Octogenarian | Candidate | Craze | Now | Trumped!

Dems' Octogenarian Candidate Craze Now Trumped!

Sunday, 03 November 2002 12:00 AM

This state and New Jersey are home to America's newest Democratic political craze ... ancient, near-octogenarian politicians locked in bitterly contested Herculean races with virile, youthful, high-caliber Republicans!

Now we, of course, can all see the brilliance of this unlikely strategy of the Dems. Let's face it, it took guts to take Fritz off his heart monitor and pump him full of his rheumatoid painkillers and wheel him out in public!

In an understandable attempt to keep up with the Dems, many startled Republicans have called for the last-minute replacement and insertion of octogenarian candidates in key state and local races nationwide!

Can you blame them? In Election 2002, we've all watched in wonderment as the Democrat machine nationwide has transformed its formerly "blah" political candidates into the hyper-interesting turf-politic of "all age 70-plus, all the time."

The Democrats' prior modus operandi was admittedly lacking in the excitement needed to turn out the faithful on November's first Tuesday. They formerly suffered under the utterly uninteresting genre of youthful enthusiasm, sharp intellect, fresh ideas, a vision for tomorrow, snappy rhetoric, youthful zeal, as well as the ability to walk unassisted.

All this is now quite properly left in the dust of a recent Democratic past. Now at the fore of the Democratic revolution, the arbiters of antiquity: the Mondales and Lautenbergs of the "liberal body la politic." A recycled take on the time-tested ideals of socialism – dating back to Trotsky himself. Don't laugh ... I'm serious. Besides, Democrats have always been very big on recycling.

Now the ringer. Democratic strategists have long feared the day when Republican leadership would figure out this business of fielding senior citizen candidates ... candidates who believe the word "Depends" is a proper noun.

Well, that long-sought day is finally here, and as a dyed-in-the-wool conservative I am excited beyond words. The RNC has just announced the ultimate heeding of the call!

Since virtually all democratically-appointed and liberal-courts-backed Democratic candidates forwarded by the DNC were born before rural America had electricity, Republican candidates will now counter this brilliant political revolution with an even bolder initiative.

From now on, only Republican candidates born prior to the year of our Lord 1900 will be allowed to run! Yes, folks ... to trump the Democrats, the nursing homes of America will be raided for their breathtaking and heretofore unutilized talent pool!

It's this simple: If automobiles had replaced the old reliable horse and buggy by the time you were a kid ... you're not welcome at your GOP neighborhood caucus!

Until now, political correctness has not allowed us to fully appreciate the nuances of advanced dementia and assisted-living environments, much less experience the passion and raw thrill of nursing home shuffleboard tournaments. Campaigns will now include adjustable beds and plastic mattress pads. Relatives will be allowed to visit candidates on Wednesday evenings and weekends ... as long as our 19th century statesman are allowed to tuck in by 8 p.m.

Long have we mere mortals been deceived by the value of youthful vigor and clear thinking. That only 1 in 25,000 Americans makes it to 102-plus demonstrates their near-immortal courage ... and their wrinkles and blank stares alone can inspire generations to attempt to ascend to antiquity itself!

I think we shall call them the "Centurions" ... warriors of the past resurrected. They've come back to life's mainstream for Election 2002! Only Democrats would possess the unmitigated gall to unleash the now minor hounds of octogeneria! We conservatives must move quickly to a wholesale draft of those who have come full circle to pabulum, carrot mush, applesauce, bedwetting and spending 20-plus hours a day in a fetal position!

Now we'll see who had the foresight to purchase nursing home insurance when merely post-retirement ... more than three decades ago.

We owe the Democrats a giant note of thanks for showing us the way. Now on to the CENTURIONS ... oh, and please get some rest, Mr. Johnson – morning's less than 14 hours away.

With tongue firmly planted in cheek,

P.S.: Vote Tuesday ... our Republic is depending on you (NOT tongue in cheek)!

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This state and New Jersey are home to America's newest Democratic political craze ... ancient, near-octogenarian politicians locked in bitterly contested Herculean races with virile, youthful, high-caliber Republicans! Now we, of course, can all see the brilliance of this...
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2002-00-03
Sunday, 03 November 2002 12:00 AM
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