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Wednesday Sep 26 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

For his defense Brett Kavanaugh submitted into evidence his summer of 1982 calendar. So far the only thing that it proves about Kavanaugh is he's a weird freak who keeps calendars from 1982.

He mentions seeing movies like "Rocky III" and "Grease 2." I think this hurts his credibility because what idiot would leave hard evidence that they saw "Grease 2?" Who would record that? All my papers concerning "Grease 2" have been destroyed long ago.

SCRABBLE just added two new words to its dictionary. Two new words — "OK" and "Ew." OK and Ew have been added to SCRABBLE. Coincidentally, OK and Ew are the two words the Senate will use when voting on Kavanaugh.

Trump spoke at the U.N. yesterday. Analysts say President Trump treated his U.N. speech yesterday as if he was at one of his rallies. That's how he behaved at the U.N. And he behaved the same way he does at his rallies. Trump said his favorite part was getting the crowd to chant "Lock her up" in 17 different languages.

President Trump has a brand new technologically upgraded presidential limousine. It's supposed to be very fancy. And the latest with all the technology. For Trump's protection, the limo comes with bulletproof windows and no Twitter.

I'm a big fan of scientific advances in the field of medicine. Scientists announced they just developed a robotic caterpillar that can crawl inside you for medical procedures. And for an extra $50, for nonmedical procedures.



The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

There were new new allegations against the nominee for the Supreme Court, Brett Kavanaugh, aka "The 40-Year-Old Virgin," is facing another accusation from a woman who says she knew him when they were in high school. She alleges that he and his friends would target girls with alcohol and Quaaludes in order to take advantage of them sexually.

And, just like that, we have a new spokesperson for Jell-O Pudding — we lose a Cosby.

Brett Kavanaugh seems to be backing off his claim on Fox News that he was a model student. In his prepared testimony today, he wrote, "In retrospect, I said and did things in high school that make me cringe now." In retrospect, you said things on Fox News three days ago that should make you cringe now.

To make his case, Kavanaugh released his social calendar from the summer of 1982. This is a calendar he kept when he was a kid. USA Today got an exclusive look at the calendar and it reveals a lot. June 16th he went to see "Grease 2." This is not a joke. In May he was grounded three Fridays in a row. The very next day after he was grounded he went to the prom. What kind of parenting is that?

I do have to say, though, these calendars do make a case for Judge Kavanaugh. I mean, look at this. The detail. There's Beach Week, first of all. Then library, didn't have sex, didn't have sex, didn't have sex, finals, didn't have sex, still a virgin, no sex, all good, good boy.

All three accusers want the FBI to investigate their claims. Republicans, Brett Kavanaugh, don't want the FBI to investigate. I wonder why that is. At this point Donald Trump has to be like, "I knew we should have gone with Judge Judy. Damn it, I told them!"

For now, anyway, Trump is standing by his man. He said Brett Kavanaugh is an "absolute gem." It's weird that Donald Trump has shown more affection for Brett Kavanaugh this week than he has for Eric and Don Jr. in really all of their entire lives.



The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

After U.N. diplomats laughed at his speech yesterday, President Trump said that it was supposed to be funny. Basically Trump is that guy who trips in front of everyone and then tries to turn it into a tiny jog.

After a toast at the U.N., Trump was spotted drinking Diet Coke out of a wine glass — but only after sniffing a sample and swirling it around first. [Imitating Trump] "Full bodied. Hints of aluminum. Vintage 2017."

Trump drank Diet Coke out of a wine glass, which is what the rest of America does when their dishwasher is broken.

Trump just got a new $1.5 million limo. It fires tear gas, has night vision, and can lay down an oil slick to make anyone chasing it spin out of control. Even crazier, Melania's bedroom door does the exact same thing.

The limo fires tear gas and lays down oil slicks for car chases. I'm pretty sure Trump was like, "Build me the Batmobile. Just do it."

Today, a third woman accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual misconduct. And now, Trump wants to take Kavanaugh's defense into his own hands. Which is weird, 'cause men taking things into their own hands is the reason this all started in the first place.

I saw that Gucci debuted a pair of leather underwear for men. Leather underwear. The designers were like, "How can we make a humid day a thousand times worse?"



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

After world leaders at the U.N. laughed at President Trump for claiming he has accomplished more than any president in history, Trump said last night that the line was meant to get some laughter. Oh, well, then it's kind of weird that you said this right after.

[Trump] "Didn't expect that reaction, but that's OK." Man, you're a very bad liar. I would love to play poker with you. [imitates Trump] "I'll raise you $100, and I'm bluffing."

A Silicon Valley start-up called Ambrosia is looking into opening a clinic in Manhattan where people over the age of 35 could be injected with the blood of younger people to help increase their vitality. Said one customer, [photo of Rudy Giuliani] "Can I get a to-go cup? Because I'm on the move a lot and I also love blood."

The Secret Service's new presidential limo cost $1.5 million and reportedly includes features such as the ability to electrify door handles to shock anyone trying to get inside. "What if you're trying to get out?" asked one woman [photo of Melania Trump].

Dunkin' Donuts has announced it will be shortening its name to "Dunkin'" in order to increase the emphasis on their non-donut items. Meanwhile, Taco Bell is going all out and just changing their name to "You're Stoned."



The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

Even more trouble today for Donald Trump's Supreme Court nominee. A third woman has now come forward accusing Brett Kavanaugh of sexual misconduct during his time in high school. That's three accusers. Or, as Republicans call it, three strikes and you are voted in for a lifetime appointment.

These accusations are disgusting. This is not how a Supreme Court justice behaves. It's how the president of the United States behaves.

President Trump's new limo's tricked out with all kinds of advanced features, it can even reach speeds of up to 70 drive-through windows per hour. The car was designed by General Motors. They even threw in a second vehicle designed specifically for Eric Trump [photo of Little Tikes Cozy Coupe].


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