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Tuesday Sep 25 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

The investment banking firm Goldman Sachs joined Instagram in an attempt to endear themselves to a new generation. Today, Goldman posted a meme that said, "We're the reason your parents lost your childhood home."

At the U.N. today President Trump told world leaders that his administration has accomplished more than any in U.S. history, and the whole audience laughed. Trump was furious — 'cause for a few seconds he accidentally made some foreigners happy.

In his speech at the U.N. he also said that Iran's leaders "sow chaos and destruction." Trump then said, "Come on, man. That's MY thing."

Dunkin' Donuts announced next year they will shorten their name from Dunkin' Donuts to just "Dunkin'." And their customers will shorten the name of their disease from diabetes to just 'betes from now on.

Scientists developed a robotic skin that can make stuffed animals appear to come to life. It's being hailed as a "breakthrough" for people who like to scare small children.

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

After President Trump claimed during his address to the U.N. General Assembly today that he has accomplished more than any other president in history, world leaders in the audience laughed in response. And you know it was crazy, 'cause even the Germans laughed.

President Trump claimed that he has accomplished more than any other president in history, and world leaders in the audience laughed, though technically they were still laughing from when he said, "Hello, I'm the president of the United States."

A judge today sentenced Bill Cosby to three to 10 years in a state prison for sexual assault. Man, what happened to all our beloved sitcom idols from the '80s? Cosby's in jail. Roseanne went racist. I hope Ted Danson isn't here tonight to confess to a string of murders.

The Secret Service this week unveiled the first update to the presidential limo since 2009. It is filled with a wide range of medical supplies, including a refrigerator full of President Trump's blood type, which I assume is "chunky-style."

President Trump said in a new interview that he is an "absolute 'no' on possible statehood for Puerto Rico." And then — this is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont.

Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh and his wife sat down last night for an interview on Fox News, during which he claimed that he was a virgin in high school and for many years after. First thing, it does not matter if you are a virgin. You are being accused of sexual assault, not sexual intercourse. Those things have nothing to do with each other. It's the same as saying "I couldn't have robbed that bank, I'm a virgin."

Devoting yourself to celibacy doesn't mean you can't be a sexual assaulter. Just ask thousands of priests.

Also stop saying that you are friends with women. That's not a defense. Just because you're friends with one woman doesn't mean you haven't been awful to another. That's like saying you're a vegetarian because you didn't eat your dog.

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

President Trump gave a speech to the United Nations where he boasted of his achievements in office, and the world leaders in attendance responded with polite applause. I am kidding. They laughed in his face. And they say Donald Trump can't bring people together.

I mean, even Israeli and Iranian diplomats at the U.N. coffee machine were like, "All right, all right. Look, I know we are sworn enemies, but can we just talk about that Trump thing just for a second?"

Trump's Supreme Court nominee went on Fox News last night to defend himself. During the interview Brett Kavanaugh declared that despite even more sexual misconduct allegations, "he is not going anywhere." Not going anywhere. Man, this guy really needs to learn how to take "no" for an answer.

Kavanaugh defended himself by saying that he was a virgin in high school and for many years thereafter. I have got to say, if those are the qualifications, I should be on the Supreme Court. I should be Chief Justice Corden.

Ben & Jerry's just announced that they are going to be supporting seven progressive congressional candidates by promoting them with their own flavors of ice cream. This is such a brilliant political move. I mean, what is Trump going to do now — come out against ice cream? Now, personally I would like to thank Ben & Jerry's for giving me a reason to tell my wife why I am eating an entire pint of ice cream every night. "No. It is for the future. We have to leave our children a better world. That's all this is."

In the interest of fairness and equal time, Ben & Jerry's is also coming out with flavors for some conservative politicians. Here's the one they made for House Speaker Paul Ryan: Vanilla. And Sen. Mitch McConnell: They went with Vanilla. And Vice President Mike Pence got Blinding White Vanilla — now with extra vanilla.

The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

The U.N. just started their session here in New York, and this morning President Donald Trump was slated to speak second, but he was so late that Ecuador's president had to take his place. C'mon man, you're FROM New York. You know what the traffic is like when the U.N. is here.

After explaining to the countries of the world that America would leave them alone, he started picking on them: [Trump] "Iran's leaders sow chaos, death, and destruction. Not long ago, Venezuela was one of the richest countries on Earth. Today, socialism has bankrupted the oil-rich nation. China's market distortions and the way they deal cannot be tolerated. Germany will become totally dependent on Russian energy if it does not immediately change course." He's working the room like an insult comic. “Hey, check out Italy over here. You’re not fooling anybody with that big boot. Gambia, we all know their national motto: ‘Where the Hell Is Gambia?’”

Then Trump provided a bold vision for the global migration crisis — let somebody else handle it. [Trump] "Ultimately, the only long-term solution to the migration crisis is to help people build more hopeful futures in their home countries, make their countries great again." He's just talking about a franchise opportunity. It's MAGA-Donald's. He's already his own clown.

After his speech today, he continued to defend Brett Kavanaugh at a joint press conference with the president of Colombia. [Trump] "Who is going to want to go before this system to be a Supreme Court judge or to be a judge or to be even a politician? I can tell you that… false accusations of all types are made against a lot of people." [imitates Trump] "Yes, against a lot of people, OK — businessmen, presidents, golf club owners, reality show hosts. I guess what I'm saying is #UsToo."

Today Bill Cosby was sentenced to three to 10 years in state prison for sexual assault. Incredibly sad story. At this point, obviously no one can defend Bill Cosby, unless you are his publicist. [video of Cosby's publicist] "This has been the most racist and sexist trial in the history of the United States. They persecuted Jesus, and look what happened." Oh, no! Because if Cosby is like Jesus, that means in three days, he'll be back prowling the streets.

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