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Wednesday Sep 12 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

There's a new study from Gallup that says last year, 2017, was the most miserable year on record. According to what's known as the Global Emotions Report, an annual study of people all over the globe, since they started keeping track in 2005, last year was the world's most negative year. Who is to blame for that? "Young Sheldon," they say.

The poll said in the last year collectively the world was more stressed, more worried, sadder, and more in pain than ever. This is maybe the first time I can think of where Trump would be right to take all the credit for something.

Yesterday Trump made the astonishing claim that his team's response to Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico, where almost 3,000 lives were lost, was "an incredible unsung success." At 6:50 a.m. this morning he wrote, "We got A-pluses for our recent hurricane work in Texas and Florida and did an unappreciated great job in Puerto Rico, even though an inaccessible island. Puerto Rico by the way, with very poor electricity and a totally incompetent mayor of San Juan." He really does have a unique ability to make anything and everything about him. It's remarkable.

And he is ready for Hurricane Florence. Ever since he got the call from the National Weather Service, he's been warming up in the bullpen throwing roll after roll of paper towels.

Amazon has a new thing going. Amazon is going to sell Christmas trees this the year. Live 7-foot Christmas trees will be available this holiday season. It's not enough that Amazon's putting every store out of business, now they're going after the vacant stores' parking lots, too.

It doesn't feel right. It's like the Three Wise Men sharing an Uber to visit the Baby Jesus.



The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Fashion Week wrapped up today here in New York City. It's very cool, actually. Everything on the runway will be in stores by 2019 and on the floor at T.J. Maxx by 2030.

Kanye West said that Kim Kardashian is actually enrolled in law school. When he found out, President Trump said, "I want to change my Supreme Court nominee. Can we do that now? Is it too late?"

Speaking of the president, the White House is now planning a second meeting between Trump and Kim Jong Un. Which means in the last few months, Trump will have seen Kim Jong Un twice as many times as he's seen Melania.

There's a new documentary about dating apps called "Swiped." Did you guys hear about this? People thought the preview looked good, but when they showed up, it looked like a completely different movie.

The big movie this weekend is the reboot of "Predator." When they first heard the title, people thought, "Isn't it a little early for Les Moonves to stage a comeback?"

I saw that Disney World has a special fall menu that includes a Pumpkin White Russian. Yep, a pumpkin and a White Russian. Or as it's also known — collusion.



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

President Trump today repeated his claim that hurricane relief in Puerto Rico was a success, tweeting that "they did an unappreciated great job in Puerto Rico. Even though an inaccessible island… with very poor electricity and a totally incompetent mayor of San Juan." It was so offensive that Hurricane Florence turned north.

Donald Trump Jr. said in an interview yesterday that he is not worried about going to jail as a result of Special Counsel Mueller's investigation. Yeah, jail's nothing to worry about. On your first day there, just walk up to the biggest guy in the yard and say, "Hey, Dad."

President Trump tried to have braille removed from the elevators in Trump Tower, because "no blind people are going to live in Trump Tower." Wait a minute, Melania's not blind?

According to a new poll, 11 percent of Americans say they view President Trump as very liberal. I assume they meant with his makeup?

An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay titled "How to Murder Your Husband" was arrested yesterday, for the alleged murder of her husband. But her lawyer is more concerned about her other essay, "How to Poison Your Lawyer."



The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

Yesterday, after being briefed on Hurricane Florence, President Trump had this to report: [Trump clip] "They haven't seen anything like what is coming at us in 25, 30 years. Maybe ever. It's tremendously big and tremendously wet." Thank you, President Children's Book, for reminding us that rain is wet, cows go moo, and cars go beep.

Later Trump went on to describe earthquakes as "tremendously bouncy" and tornadoes as "tremendously swirly."

Nobody uses the word "tremendous" as much as Trump does. He's like that kid who learns one big word and always finds a way to use it in sentences, even if it's wrong. "If I don't get home for dinner, my mother's going to be so tremendous."

In other Trump news, the president seems to be getting more and more paranoid. His son Donald Jr. said in an interview yesterday that the circle of White House aides his father can trust is getting smaller. Donald Trump thinks everyone is against him. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Yep. We most certainly are."

The only people the president feels he can really trust are family, which explains why he starts a new family every few years.

Apple had another one of its big product unveilings today. At the event, Apple launched a bunch of new products, including several new versions of the iPhone X. One of the new phones has a 6.5-inch screen and can withstand being underwater for up to 30 minutes. So it's capable of being both tremendously big and tremendously wet.

According to a recent report, NASA is looking into selling naming rights to their spacecraft. Not only will it affect the rockets, imagine the countdown. "18, 17, 16, 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more on your car insurance, 14."



The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

President Trump has been hard at work both preparing for the hurricane and bragging about how good he is at hurricanes. [Trump clip] "We got A-pluses for our recent hurricane work in Texas and Florida and did an unappreciated great job in Puerto Rico, even though an inaccessible island." Just hold up right there. I'd like to point out that we knew it was an island before the storm hit. It wasn't a surprise. And what do you mean by "inaccessible?" People go there for spring break. It's not that island where they're hiding King Kong.

The Russia investigation is still marching on, and today there's big news about Trump's former campaign manager Paul Manafort. Rumors are Manafort is in talks with the special counsel's office about a possible plea deal. Yes, the man Trump called brave for not turning state's evidence is now flipping like a gymnast making pancakes on a trampoline.

But you can't blame Manafort. He now faces a second trial after he was already found guilty and faces up to 10 years in prison. You know what they say: "Convict me once, shame on you. Convict me twice, I will tell you anything!" Trump eats panda meat! Melania is a hologram! That's not the original Ivanka! She's a clone. She's a clone!

Playboy just announced that starting in 2019, they'll publish only four issues a year. By 2020, they're just going to send you a shovel and say, "Go dig up the issues your uncle buried in the woods."

What happened to the months? Four a year? It's just not going to be the same to crack open a centerfold and see "Miss Fiscal Third Quarter."


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