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Wednesday Sep 05 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Bob Woodward's book is out about the president. It's already a bestseller on Amazon. Between Woodward’s and Omarosa's books, Trump has done something incredible — he's "Made America Read Again."

Woodward's book is about working for Trump, and it's called "Fear: Trump in the White House." That was actually his second choice for a title, cuz "The Babysitter's Club" was already taken.

Today, The New York Times published an anonymous article from a senior White House official that criticizes Trump. When Trump heard, he screamed, "Oh my God – the fake news is coming from INSIDE the house!"

A senior official wrote an anonymous op-ed about Trump. Even stranger, the official signed it "XOXO, Gossip Girl."

Today, confirmation hearings continued for Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. At one point, a protester screamed, "Sham president, sham justice!" Then security escorted Ruth Bader Ginsburg out of the room.

I read that Joe Biden will decide whether he's running for president in 2020 by this January. He's gonna take a coin and say, "Heads, I run. Tails, I flip again until I get heads."

I heard that the pumpkin spice latte is already on sale at Starbucks. Because when it's 95 degrees outside, nothing's more refreshing than some hot gourd juice.

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly released a statement last night denying that he called President Trump an idiot, saying, quote, "The idea that I ever called the president an idiot is not true. In fact, it's exactly the opposite." And it is the opposite. He called an idiot the president.

In the same interview, President Trump claimed that special counsel Robert Mueller is former FBI Director James Comey's "best friend" adding, quote "I could give you 100 pictures of him and Comey hugging and kissing each other." Which is a lot more pictures than there are of Trump and Melania hugging and kissing.

According to a new report, some upscale hotels are now offering cannabis-infused room service items to maximize relaxation for guests. Or you could just go to any Days Inn and huff the drapes.

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

Today was day number two of Brett Kavanaugh's Supreme Court confirmation hearing. And, like yesterday, it was disrupted by dozens of protesters. So far, Capitol Police have arrested more than a hundred people — more than 100 people arrested in Washington, D.C. And, for once, not one of them worked for Donald Trump.

Some of the protesters dressed in costumes resembling handmaidens from "The Handmaid's Tale." And, it had an effect. It delayed the hearing for six hours while the Senate caught up on Season Two.

If these protesters really wanted to get Trump's attention, they should have just put on NFL uniforms and taken a knee.

This hearing is supposed to go on for another couple of days. It is very in-depth. Senators are questioning Kavanaugh on guns and abortion and why he looks like the flustered dad on every sitcom from the '90s.

Robert Mueller's Russia investigation slowly marches forward. Yesterday it was reported that he has agreed to accept some written answers from Donald Trump instead of interviewing the president in person. President Trump prefers to handle his questioning in writing so that his answers can be more thoughtful, more coherent — like his Twitter, you know?

This marks the first time in years Trump has written something by hand that wasn't a check for a porn star.

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