Thursday Sep 06 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Thousands of bugs have been stolen from the Philadelphia Insectarium. Thieves made off with more than 7,000 bugs, including millipedes, rhinoceros roaches, lizards, frogs, snakes, and venomous spiders valued at more than $40,000. I get why people steal, but what's the plan after a theft like this? Unless you live in an ant farm, you walk around the street going, "Wanna buy some bugs?"

There's a tweet on the subject, a warning. "If you see this six-eyed sand spider that is highly venomous, let the Philadelphia Insectarium know." Trust me, I'll let them know. I see that freaking thing? I'll let everybody know if I see it, probably with a loud and very girlish scream.

The new NFL season kicked off tonight. The Eagles hosted the Atlanta Falcons in a game that also marked, perhaps more importantly, the start of a new Fantasy Football season. Most of the guys I know studied harder for their Fantasy Football draft this year than all of high school and college combined.

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, [Paul McCartney] said that he once saw God while he was doing psychedelic drugs. Paul was like, "Oh, man, that's God." While God was like, "Holy crap, that's Paul McCartney. My God. You're the biggest — I love you so much."

The NFL season kicked off tonight with a game between the Atlanta Falcons and the Philadelphia Eagles. And it's perfect timing for the Eagles' fans. 'Cause they just sobered up from the Super Bowl.

Fantasy Football also began tonight. It's a fun way for people who are bad at real sports to realize that they're also bad at imaginary sports.

Later this season, too, the NFL will hold a game in Mexico. It's all part of the League's plan to combine as many things that Trump hates as possible. It's really clever. Rosie O'Donnell is doing the halftime show. Jeff Sessions is a referee.

Speaking of the president, after one of his staffers wrote an anonymous op-ed criticizing him, Trump is trying to find out who it was. Today he said, "It's kind of fun. It's like I'm playing a real life version of 'Blue's Clues.'"

Today at Brett Kavanaugh's Supreme Court confirmation hearing, Democrats released some of his confidential emails from 2003. Republicans were furious that his emails were being read. Then Hillary was like, "Sucks, doesn't it?"

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

Everybody is talking about this big bombshell in The New York Times. They published an article written by an anonymous senior White House official that claims members of the the administration are concerned about Donald Trump's mental stability. So from within the White House they are actively working to thwart the president's agenda. As you can imagine, Trump is furious about this today, mostly because he thought getting his agenda thwarted meant something totally different.

When he heard about the editorial Trump was like, "How dare this person publicly undermine a high-level government official? Anyway, I'm going to go and humiliate the attorney general on Twitter."

The anonymous source assured readers that they should remain calm knowing that there are "adults in the room with the president." So right off the bat, we can go ahead and rule out Eric Trump. He's gone.

It was announced today the most common vegetable that toddlers eat is French fries. Or as my brain processed this story: A study has confirmed that French fries are a vegetable. I ate two plates of vegetables today and some more vegetables tonight. I'm joking. You cannot just eat French fries. You have got to eat other vegetables. You know — onion rings, loaded potato skins, carrot cake.

In other shocking food news, according to another study, chocolate chip cookie addiction shares many similarities with cocaine addiction. Truly, yes. Researchers say sugar can give you some of the same cravings that cocaine can give. And I say, it is actually worse for you. Like, believe me, try getting an entire chocolate chip cookie up your nose.

Now I don't even know if this was a legitimate study so much as it was just a bunch of scientists having a really, really fun weekend.

The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

According to the anonymous author [of The New York Times op-ed], many of Trump's senior officials are working diligently from within to frustrate his worst inclinations, and that's not easy because all of Trump's inclinations are tied for worst.

Well, now the hunt for the author is on. The op-ed has sent tremors through the West Wing and launched a frantic guessing game. As opposed to the other Trump games. There's Collusional Chairs, Charade of a Marriage, and Pin the Crime on the Don Jr.

Some folks think they know who wrote the op-ed because of an unusual word in this passage, which describes John McCain's legacy as "A lodestar for restoring honor to public life and our national dialogue." I actually think my sister drives a 2009 Suzuki Lodestar.

But that word might be a clue, "lodestar," because it happens to be one of Vice President Mike Pence's favorites … It's so unlike Mike Pence to make a strange word choice. Just ask his wife, "Mother."

But Pence is pushing back, because after the speculation started, he denied writing the op-ed. He also denied having a closet full of bumper stickers that say, "Mike Pence 2020: I Wrote the Op-ed!"

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