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Monday Aug 13 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was an all-new episode of “Bachelor in Paradise.” You know I love that. But if you want to see some reality stars go at it on TV, just check out Omarosa and President Trump.

The big story is, of course, Omarosa. She’s been promoting her new book, “Unhinged.” It’s about her time in the White House. She claims President Trump has mentally declined. Trump was furious. He said, “This book is an outrage. And — wait, what were we talking about?”

On “Meet the Press” yesterday, Omarosa played a recording of Trump’s chief of staff John Kelly, firing her in the White House Situation Room. Experts said, “Nobody’s ever made a recording in that room.” Then one guy said, [Russian accent] “That you know about.”

In her new book, Omarosa claims that she once walked in on Trump in the Oval Office eating a piece of paper. Eating paper. On the bright side, that’s actually the healthiest thing he’s ever eaten.

She says that Trump ate a piece of paper in the Oval Office. But I think Trump was just confused. Because it was a note from an angry staffer that said, “Eat me.”

But before all this got out, Trump’s campaign tried to keep Omarosa quiet by offering her $180,000 in hush money. When Stormy Daniels heard that, she was like, “Oh, my God. What did she have to do for the extra $50,000?”

The president’s been keeping busy. On Friday night, he had dinner with the CEO of Apple, Tim Cook. And this is nice — Trump even picked up the check. But then he ate it.

An 11-year-old boy in Florida was able to hack into a state elections website and change results in under 10 minutes. So get ready to meet Florida’s next governor, Fortnite McDeadpool.

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

After former White House staffer Omarosa Manigault released a recording of a conversation with President Trump, Trump tweeted, “Wacky Omarosa who got fired three times on ‘The Apprentice’ now got fired for the last time. She never made it, never will.” Well, actually, she did make it. You hired her for a job in the White House after she got fired three times on “The Apprentice.” That’s like getting cut three times from the Mets and thinking, “I’m going to try out for the Yankees.”

Former White House staffer Omarosa Manigault yesterday played a recording of a conversation with chief of staff John Kelly in the Situation Room, which is the most secure area of the West Wing. Well, [shows door with sign “Melania’s Room: Keep Out!!!”] the second most secure.

Omarosa also claims in her book that she once saw President Trump eat a piece of paper. But in his defense, [shows paper with “chicken” written on it] he was tricked. [imitates Trump, chewing] “There’s something wrong with this chicken.”

President Trump had dinner on Friday with Apple CEO Tim Cook. Well, Tim, did you try unplugging him and plugging him back in?

NASA yesterday successfully launched a probe designed to touch the sun. [shows photo of Don Jr. and Eric] “I use a probe to touch mine, too,” said Trump. “Father, can I have a hug?” “Get the probe!”

According to Politico, White House aides need to remind President Trump of time zones in different countries on a constant basis. He forgets that in America it’s 4 p.m., but where he is, it’s 1957.

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

President Trump was in New Jersey this weekend, where he hosted a “Bikers for Trump” rally at one of his private golf courses. Because really, what’s more badass and rebellious for bikers to do than hang out at a members-only golf club? “Bikers for Trump,” or as most people call them, “bikers.”

During an interview yesterday, former Trump aide Omarosa played a secret recording of chief of staff John Kelly informing her she was being fired. The firing took place in the White House’s Situation Room. Omarosa recorded this herself, which is a first, because usually there’s a whole camera crew there when she’s getting fired.

On the tape, Kelly says Omarosa was being fired due to significant integrity issues. And nothing says “I don’t have integrity issues” like recording your boss in the top-secret Situation Room.

Also, on the recording, you can hear General Kelly telling Omarosa that if she makes a friendly departure, she won’t lose her reputation. That’s also what they tell me when I’m asked to leave Ben & Jerry’s. “We’ve talked about this, Mr. Corden, don’t make a scene. You can come back tomorrow.”

And there was another huge revelation from Omarosa this weekend: She said the Trump administration was “deceiving this nation” by hiding how mentally declined President Trump actually is. Oh, come on. We see his tweets. He’s not fooling anyone.


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