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Wednesday Aug 01 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Crazy news out of Florida last night. A man in Tampa was spotted wandering around in public rambling incoherent nonsense about the government. Even crazier, that man was our president.

President Trump held a giant rally in Tampa last night with thousands of people in attendance. The crowd was very diverse. It was half white, half Caucasian.

Apple is close to becoming the first U.S. company worth over $1 trillion. Then Americans looked at their drawers filled with old iPods, and said, "Yep. Seems about right."

A guy here in New York swims in the Hudson River every week to prove that it's clean. If you want to meet him in person, services are being held on 43rd Street at the Sherwood Funeral Home.

Last night, the New York Mets lost to the Washington Nationals, 25-4. Or as Mets fans put it, "Sweet. We scored four runs. Awesome."

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

At a rally in Florida last night, President Trump falsely claimed that a photo ID is required to buy groceries in the United States. Dude, what you eating for dinner? Rental cars?

During the same rally President Trump claimed that he could be more presidential than any president in history, quote, "Except for possibly Abe Lincoln with the big hat." Oh, right. That Abe Lincoln. Are you at a campaign rally or Show and Tell? "This is my Abe Lincoln. He has a really big hat. And he hates going to plays."

The New York Mets suffered their worst loss in franchise history last night losing to the Washington Nationals 25-4. It was so bad that even the ceremonial first pitch was hit for a triple.

The New York Mets lost to the Washington Nationals 25-4. It was so embarrassing Mr. Met switched jerseys in the third inning.

President Trump said this morning that the Russia investigation is a hoax tweeting, "The Democrats paid for the phony and discredited dossier which was, along with Comey, McCabe, Strzok, and his lover, the lovely Lisa Page, used to begin the witch hunt. Disgraceful." And I love that even in the middle of a meltdown over the investigation, he still has time to hit on a woman. "This is a hoax, and a witch hunt, and oh, hello there."

The USDA has issued a health alert over premade salads and wraps sold at Walgreens due to concerns they may be contaminated with an intestinal parasite. So, if you're buying your meals at Walgreens, I have even more bad news.

Today was National Girlfriends Day, so don't forget to send her $130,000.

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

It's been revealed that during a recent meeting on trade with President Trump, the European Commission president had to use a series of colorful cue cards to explain and simplify economic issues for Donald Trump. Although, it makes sense to use colors because Trump hasn't learned his shapes yet.

And to make sure Trump was really paying attention, some of the cards included items from the McDonald's Dollar Menu.

Halfway through the meeting Trump started to whine about Hillary's email servers and his advisers knew it was time to put him down for a nap.

HBO recently announced that LeBron James will be hosting a new talk show set in a barbershop here in Los Angeles and it's called "The Shop." Yeah, LeBron James is getting a talk show. Well, I guess this is war. I have no choice now but to start up a side gig ... and become the greatest basketball player in the world.

Apparently, LeBron's talk show is going to be him and four random guests you may or may not have heard of. You know, like when he plays basketball.

A recent government report revealed that a California DMV employee fell asleep at her desk for up to three hours a day and this went on for nearly four years. She fell asleep at her desk for three hours a day, or as they call that at the DMV, Employee of the Month.

An ice cream shop in Scotland has introduced a new flavor made with a very familiar ingredient. It's called Mayonnaise ice cream. Coincidentally, "Mayonnaise ice cream" is also how dermatologists describe my skin tone.

The only thing weirder than Mayonnaise ice cream is how you have to order it. To order it, you go up to the counter and you go, "Hello, I'm disgusting." And they go, "Don't worry. I got you right here."

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