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Tuesday Jul 31 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump now says that he’d be willing to meet with the president of Iran. After Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin, Trump said it’s the last meeting he needs to win “Dictator Bingo.”

Trump said he’d be willing to meet with Iran’s President Hassan Rouhani “anytime they want.” In response, Putin said, “If you’re trying to make me jealous ... it’s working.”

Earlier tonight, Trump flew to Tampa, Florida, for a big rally. But before he left, he put Rudy Giuliani in a kennel so he wouldn’t destroy everything while he’s gone.

Right before the rally, Trump took part in a “workforce development roundtable.” And just to mess with Trump, the organizers told him to sit at the head of the roundtable – then watched him walk around in circles for 20 minutes.

Facebook is working on a “talent show” feature that would let users record themselves singing and then upload their videos for comments. Facebook even has a catchy name for it: “YouTube.”

Police in Maine just pulled over a man who drove a scooter all the way from Massachusetts using his cell phone as a headlight. Police had a lot of questions, mainly, “How’d you get your battery to last that long?!”



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

President Trump traveled to Tampa, Florida, today and visited a technical high school. Said Trump, “I also went to high school, technically.”

President Trump tweeted today quote, “Collusion is not a crime, but that doesn’t matter because there was No Collusion (except by Crooked Hillary and the Democrats)!” Okay, follow this logic with me. Collusion is not a crime, also I didn’t do it, but also Hillary did it and she should be in jail! Good news, Rudy Giuliani, you’re no longer the worst lawyer in the world.

Alaska Airlines apologized today to a gay couple after asking one of them to move so that a straight couple could sit together. Meanwhile Spirit Airlines apologized for quote, “All of it.”

50 years ago today, Charles Schulz, the creator of the comic strip “Peanuts” introduced the comic’s first black character named Franklin. Which Marcie immediately reported to the police.

Dunkin Donuts is now selling its first ever gluten free product. It’s called a “cup.”



The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

Amazon has introduced a new facial recognition technology, and it seems like there might be a few bugs because when they recently tested the software on the faces of members of Congress, the program identified 28 of them as convicted criminals. So, it works.

Facial recognition? Is it just me or is Amazon getting a long way away from just delivering books? You know? And why are they identifying criminals? Amazon Prime... More like Amazon Prime Suspect.

But this is Amazon, so after being identified as criminals, the politicians were immediately tackled, bubble wrapped, lifted on a drone, and dropped in a federal prison. It was same day delivery.

Is everyone here familiar with Crocs? Well, there's a brand-new style of Crocs that have just been introduced and they're selling out all over the place, although I'm not sure why. High-heel Crocs! Did we ask for this? High-heel Crocs: The perfect shoe for when you get invited to a wedding and the invitation says, "Food court formal."

High-heel Crocs — for the woman who wants to let everyone know that she's the drunkest mom at the kid's pool party.

High-heel Crocs: For when you want to be 2 and a half inches above rock bottom.

Recently, couples in Montana competed in the first ever Rocky Mountain Wife Carrying Championship. This is a competition where husbands carry their wives on their backs through an obstacle course. The only requirements to compete are that you must be married and it must not be going well.
The obstacles included a mud pit, a median wall, and a dirt ramp, although most of the couples failed at the final challenge, which was agreeing on a place for dinner.

Today, Europe's highest court ruled that Nestlé cannot patent the break-apart shape of its Kit Kat chocolate bar. Kit Kat responded to the verdict saying, "Give me a break."


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