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Tuesday Jul 24 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Today, in case you don't have a fun calendar in your house that tells you this sort of thing, we celebrate not just one, but two important holidays. Today is National Tequila Day. A day on which if you have too much fun you might do something you regret. It's also National Cousins Day today, where if you have too much fun you might do something you really regret.

It was so hot in LA today. Because of the heat wave local officials are asking LA residents to conserve energy. We all need to do our part. I, for one, after I used my tanning bed this morning, I pulled the plug right out of the wall. It won't go back in ’til I go home.

The president was not on the golf course today. He was on Twitter today. He had a special gem this morning. This is an all-timer. He's got a lot of great tweets but today he wrote, “I’m very concerned that Russia will be fighting very hard to have an impact on the upcoming election.” Hmm. You don't say. Go on. “Based on the fact that no president has been tougher on Russia than me, they will be pushing very hard for the Democrats. They definitely don't want Trump.” At this point he's just screwing with us, right?

Last week Vladimir Putin stood next to him and said, yes, we wanted Trump. Now he says they definitely don't want Trump. Maybe he's being sarcastic and we’re just missing it? I bet he forgot to add a winking emoji next to the message.

The Mueller investigation quietly continues. The president's attorney, Rudy Giuliani, says Trump would agree to an interview with Robert Mueller as long as there are no questions about obstruction of justice. I love that. It would be like Bill Cosby agreeing to an interview that's only about pudding.

Robert Mueller now has a few options. He can accept those terms, which seems unlikely. He can issue a subpoena, when would probably result in a legal battle. Or he can just wait for Trump to go to a rally and blurt everything out himself.

According to the latest Gallup poll, Trump's approval rating is the highest it's been since he took office. Between the months of April and July, President Trump's approval rating averaged 41.9 percent or, according to Sarah Huckabee Sanders, 91.9 percent.

Since World War II, Trump is only the second elected president to see an improvement in his approval rating during his sixth quarter in office, which sounds really good, except for the fact that the other one was Nixon.

This is not going to help the president's approval rating in the state of California. He is planning to roll back regulations put in place by the Obama administration that will allow the state to limit automobile emissions. Which would mean a lot more air pollution, which is exactly what we need around here. Trump's plan is to make the air so toxic immigrants won't even want to come here.

And he's doing this so the oil companies can sell more gasoline. Even the auto companies think this is a bad idea. They're like, "Please, Mr. President, we've already made our plans based on these standards." Trump is like, "No, I promised Americans foul, filthy air and that is what I'm going to deliver."

Very sad news to report from the fashion world. President Trump's daughter, Ivanka, announced today she's shutting down her clothing line. I know. I guess I'll have to get my heels at Zappos.

Sales of Ivanka Trump merchandise have dropped dramatically since her father became our ayatollah. A number of prominent retailers have stopped carrying her stuff. Wow, a Trump business failing. Who would have ever guessed something like this could possibly ever happen? The good news is no American jobs will be lost because almost every piece of her clothing was made overseas.

Ivanka and husband Jared Kushner can focus full-time on whatever the hell it is they've been doing.

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

President Trump suggested today that Russia will meddle in the upcoming midterm elections in favor of the Democrats because, quote, "They definitely don't want Trump." Then again, neither did we.

That's right. President Trump tweeted, "Based on the fact that no president has been tougher on Russia than me, they will be pushing very hard for the Democrats. They definitely don't want Trump." [Light laughter] Oh, my God. Does he really think he's fooling anyone? Trump is like a magician who wears short-sleeve shirts.

According to The Daily Beast, since they started dating, friends of Donald Trump Jr. and former Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle have started referring to the couple as “Donberly,” which is a shortened version of "When I look at those two, I can keep my food down barely."

In response to President Trump's all-caps post threatening Iran, the Iranian foreign minister tweeted, "We've been around for millennia and seen fall of empires, including our own, which lasted more than the life of some countries." Replied Trump, "You leave Melania out of this."

Ivanka Trump announced today that she is closing her fashion brand, and look, I know it's tempting to make jokes, but please, thousands of kids are out of a job.

Obama-era Attorney General Eric Holder said yesterday that he will decide by early next year if he's running for president. Coincidentally, "Eric Holder" is what Trump calls the White House basement. [Picture of Eric Trump behind bars] “Father, can I come out now?"

A new study suggests that dogs notice and try to help when people are upset or in danger. Cats, on the other hand, think it's hilarious.

A Massachusetts man was arrested this weekend for stripping naked and doing yoga poses in a Planet Fitness gym. That story again, a man in Massachusetts has become the first person ever to successfully cancel his gym membership.

Two women from Minnesota are seeking to file discrimination charges after the police were called on them for breastfeeding at a public pool. Even worse, their kids were charged with illegally bringing in an outside beverage.

Scientists in Canada are working to create the world's first beer brewed entirely from cannabis. Scientists say they've been working tirelessly from morning to mid-morning.

According to Fox News, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, is being paid $250,000 to join the cast of MTV’s "Teen Mom." You hear that, teens? Having a baby pays!

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

This morning, President Trump took to Twitter to voice his concern about Russia possibly meddling in the midterm elections this fall. He tweeted: "I'm very concerned that Russia will be fighting very hard to have an impact on the upcoming election. Based on the fact that no president has been tougher on Russia than me, they will be pushing very hard for the Democrats. They definitely don't want Trump!" Finally, something Americans and Russians can agree on. None of us want Trump!

I read that tweet. “Tough on Russia?” Who is he kidding? The only thing in Russia Trump has been tough on is their hotel bed sheets.

Meanwhile, the Russia investigation is still going on. And now President Trump has reportedly agreed to an interview with special counsel Robert Mueller's team, but only if they leave out any questions about obstruction of justice. Or, in complicated legal terms, "Don't ask me about any of the bad stuff I did."

Now I'm not a lawyer, but asking the special counsel not to ask you any questions about obstruction of justice seems like some form of obstruction of justice.

This is like when your friend says, "Do not ask me how I got this scar." Well now that you've pointed it out, it's literally the only thing I want to ask you about.

At the Tour de France today the police were trying to control protestors at the race by spraying tear gas, but they held up the race because they accidentally sprayed the cyclists. See? Incidents like this are why I refuse to compete in 23-day bike races.

They halted the race because of tear gas? That's the least dangerous chemical the average Tour de France rider has in their system.

A man in New Hampshire was arrested after walking around a Planet Fitness gym completely naked. He defended himself by telling officers he thought it was a “judgment-free zone," because that's the gym's motto. So apparently, there is such a thing as too much body positivity.

On the bright side, the rest of the gym members got some great cardio running out of the building screaming.

According to reports, when the cops showed up, they found the naked man sitting in a yoga position. I think it was “outward facing hog."

The company that makes Ritz crackers has recalled 16 products, including Ritz cheese cracker sandwiches, over concerns of salmonella. There's definitely a moment when you're feeling sick and you're wondering, "Is this because I consumed salmonella or because I consumed an entire box of Ritz cheese cracker sandwiches?"

Ritz crackers contain salmonella. Even more concerning to the people here in Hollywood, Ritz crackers also contain carbs.

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