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Tuesday Jun 26 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

There's a lot of fighting going on right now in Washington, and one Republican congressman said he thinks the U.S. is heading toward another civil war. At first, President Trump was excited because he thought that meant there'll be another "Avengers" movie.

The Supreme Court ruled in favor of President Trump's travel ban 5-4. Or as Trump calls that, unanimous.

In a speech last night, Trump said sometimes you have to toot your own horn because nobody else is going to do it. The last time someone else tooted Trump's horn it cost him $130,000.

A Minor League Baseball team in Pennsylvania is selling a hot dog wrapped in cotton candy topped with Nerds candies. And instead of condiments, every one of those comes with a cry for help.

ESPN’s annual Body Issue comes out this week. While everyone else's body issues will come out after they read it.

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

The Supreme Court today upheld President Trump's travel ban on seven primarily Muslim nations. Though, I think they should only uphold the ban if Trump can name all seven.

President Trump was in South Carolina to campaign for Gov. Henry McMaster. Incidentally, McMaster is also what Trump calls the manager at the McDonald's he goes to. "Excuse me, could I speak to your McMaster?"

According to The New York Times, former White House press secretary Sean Spicer is developing a talk show. It's called "Late Night With Such Liars."

President Trump today accused Democrats of wanting "unlimited crime." Coincidently, Unlimited Crime was also the most popular class at Trump University.

After Harley-Davidson announced it would move some of its production outside the U.S., President Trump tweeted today, "A Harley-Davidson should never be built in another country, never." You should talk. Half of your campaign was built in another country [map of Russia].

According to a new study, older people who have sex regularly tend to have better memories, while the people who walked in on them just want to forget.

The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The bad news is I lied: There's no good news. But for a minute, you had hope. You're welcome!

You remember that guy in Washington, tried the whole Muslim ban that they said was "not a Muslim ban — a travel ban." Well, today, the Supreme Court fell for it, upholding Trump's ban by a 5-4 vote. Oooh, 5-4 — THIS CLOSE to being able to look our grandchildren in the eye.

This was actually Trump's third travel ban after the previous version explicitly banned people from Muslim-majority countries, and the original draft just read, "Beards are scary!"

Now, I seem to remember Trump saying one or two bad things about Muslims during the campaign. But in his decision, Chief Justice Roberts sets aside Trump's anti-Muslim statements while finding the ban itself falls within the president's authority. Well, sure, if you set aside everything he said, it's legal! That's like a lawyer saying, "My client is innocent, Your Honor, as long as you set aside the bloody knife he was holding while he screamed, 'I love me some murderin'!'"

In fact, the ruling says that statements made during a campaign may not be legally determinative. So, the things he said during the campaign may not be true? Wait, does that mean he's NOT Making America Great? Hold on, is Sen. Rubio "Regular-Sized Marco?"

Of course, almost immediately, Donald Trump crowed via tweet, "Supreme Court upholds Trump travel ban. Wow!" Wow? That's very presidential — much like Lincoln in the Emancipation Proclamation: "All persons held as slaves within the rebellious states are, and henceforward shall be free. Yowza!"

After the decision, Trump got together with members of Congress to celebrate, and he promised to continue his harsh immigration policies, saying, “I will always be defending the sovereignty, the safety, and the security of the American people. That's why I was put here.” Put here? I think you mean “Putin here.”

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