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Wednesday Jun 27 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Today, Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he's retiring, which means President Trump will pick his replacement. When asked which judge he'll choose, Trump said either Adam Levine or Blake Shelton.

After 30 years on the bench, Kennedy is retiring from the Supreme Court. He's 81 years old, so he's going to go from sitting around in a robe all day to sitting around in a robe all day.

After Kennedy announced his retirement, Donald Trump Jr. sent a tweet. And this is real — it said, “OMG! Just when you thought this week couldn't get more lit… I give you Anthony Kennedy's retirement from #SCOTUS.” Everyone who read that was like, “Well, the word ‘lit’ is ruined.”

Trump is in a Twitter feud with Harley-Davidson since they announced that they're moving some jobs overseas. When people first heard Trump was feuding with Harley-Davidson, they just assumed it was another porn star.

The cast of the new season of "The Bachelor in Paradise" was just announced. When ABC asked if they could take off work for six weeks for filming, they were like, “Oh, we don't have jobs. We'll be there tomorrow.”

Oprah made a cameo in this week's episode of "The Handmaid's Tale." And by the end of the show, all the handmaids had new cars.

A group of shareholders at Facebook might be plotting to get rid of Mark Zuckerberg. And their plan would be way more likely to work if Mark wasn't spying on them using Facebook.



The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he is retiring today. “Do you know what that means?!” said Trump, who was REALLY asking.

Mitt Romney won last night’s Utah Republican Senate primary. Romney celebrated by going to a victory party and turning the music down.

Urban Outfitters and Anthropologie are rolling out a new payment program which allows online shoppers to pay in installments later rather than in full, called Afterpay. Not to be confused with the program they have at Taco Bell, where you always pay for it later.



The Tonight Show Starring with Stephen Colbert

Today, Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he's retiring from the Supreme Court. I never thought I'd say this, but you're only 81! They say 81 is the new 79. And don't tell me your mind's going, because I read "Bush v. Gore" and "Citizens United" — you never had one.

This is a seismic political event, because Kennedy has been the decisive vote in many cases, and his retirement gives Trump the opportunity to fundamentally change the course of the Supreme Court, and I would not trust Trump to fundamentally change the dessert course. Oh, we are supremely screwed. I look forward to Wolf Blitzer in 2021: "In the end, this Supreme Court case will be decided by the swing vote, Justice Meat Loaf."

This could have huge repercussions. Think about it: The court that just this week crippled unions, and upheld Trump's Muslim ban and race-based gerrymandering, might turn conservative.

Now, in a letter to President Trump, Justice Kennedy wrote, "This letter is a respectful and formal notification of my decision, effective July 31 of this year, to end my regular active status as an associate justice of the Supreme Court." OK, "effective July 31." So, enjoy your gay marriages now, because as of August 1, you're back to being roommates.

And this could happen fast. Reportedly, the White House will push for a nomination and confirmation before the midterms. Well, of course before the midterms! Just like you want to eat all the weed before the cop walks up to the driver's side window.


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