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Monday Jun 04 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

Kim Jong Un said he wants to open a McDonald’s in North Korea. Which may explain why the summit with President Trump is suddenly back on.

The Supreme Court ruled that a baker in Colorado can refuse to make a wedding cake for a same-sex couple on religious grounds. Ladies and gentlemen, in my opinion, if there’s anything America is not going to stand for, it’s less cake.

The latest rumor in Washington is that President Trump could decide to pardon himself. This would be completely constitutional, according to Trump’s new Supreme Court Justice, Donald Trump.

Many fans have started an online petition urging ABC to continue the show “Roseanne” without Roseanne. In a related story, Andy [Richter] has started a similar petition about the show “Conan.”

In a new interview, Kanye West talks about being bipolar. Kanye said sometimes he loves himself but other times, he really loves himself.

In the United Kingdom, a baby’s first word was “Alexa.” The baby's next words were “Get me new parents.”



The Tonight Show Starring with Kimmel

Happy “Bachelorette” night, everyone. The bachelorette herself, Becca, is here tonight. This has never happened before: Tonight, Becca is going to tell us who she picked, thereby saving us 22 hours of our lives.

Did you see the game last night, game 2 of the NBA finals? The Golden State Warriors beat up on the Cleveland Cavaliers. Not a pretty sight. Steph Curry set an all-time finals record with nine 3-pointers. Two of them he shot from the parking lot as he was getting in his car.

Once the NBA season is over, our lonely nation turns its eyes to a one-on-one basketball game between me and Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas. The back story, in case you don't know: Ted was unhappy that I compared him to a blobfish — even though, in fairness to me, he looks just like one. He should be angry at his parents. So, he challenged me to a game, and I accepted his challenge. But I pointed out that after losing the election to a reality show host, maybe it wouldn’t be a great idea to lose a basketball game to a talk show host.

Today is Donald Trump’s 500th day in office. Which I have to say, it feels like only yesterday that it was his 1,000th day in office.



The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

Once again, President Trump spent the morning tweeting about the ongoing Russia investigation.

Today he tweeted: “As has been stated by numerous legal scholars, I have the absolute right to pardon myself, but why would I do that when I have done nothing wrong?” If you’re asking a bunch of legal scholars if you can pardon yourself in the event you’re found guilty of something, I’m going to say, you are probably guilty.

Also, if he does this, this would definitely be the first time that Trump has ever used the phrase “Pardon me.” But he needs to be careful, because I’m no legal scholar, but I've always heard that if you pardon yourself too much you’ll go blind.

In other White House news, first lady Melania Trump attended a reception today, marking her first public appearance in three weeks. This ended much speculation about her whereabouts. Turns out, Melania was in the White House with her husband, Donald Trump, the whole time. So, it’s worse than we all thought.

A new restaurant has opened in Boston where all the food is cooked by robots. The restaurant was started by a group of engineers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. A robot that can cook a meal. Is this a new thing? Isn't this just a microwave? I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night.

It’s a little different than having a human cooking staff. Instead of finding a hair in your food, you'll find a USB cable.

A plane in Holland was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger’s body odor was so bad that it caused others to vomit and faint. You know it’s bad when people are going into the airplane bathroom for some fresh air.


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