Monday Jun 11 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un brought his own toilet to the summit in Singapore. When he saw the toilet, President Trump said, "Oh, so you’re planning to tweet too?"

President Trump told reporters he'll know if the Kim Jong Un meeting is going well by "touch" and "feel." In other words, Trump's lawyer is going to have to pay Kim Jong Un $130,000.

There is a Japanese pop band whose members are all over 80 years old. The band is known for their No. 1 hit song, "Where Am I?"

President Trump said that during the North Korea summit, he will not focus on human rights abuses. Trump said, "My marriage is no one's business."

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

It is "Jurassic World" week here at the show. "Jurassic World" is a movie about wild creatures trapped on an island. Or as Singapore calls that, "A little too close to home."

Tonight, in Singapore, Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un finally came face to face. Or in Kim's case, more like face to belly button.

There’s a lot riding on this meeting. Last night, Kim spent hours preparing, while at the same time Trump was in bed waiting for SpongeBob to perform at the Tonys.

At the G7 summit, Trump started fighting with Canada over trade. In response, one of Justin Trudeau's former advisers called Trump a pathetic little man child on Twitter. When Jeff Sessions heard that, he was like, "Did somebody say 'little man child'? That's what Trump calls me. Sorry if no one actually said that, my hearing is very fuzzy."

Then John Bolton was like, "Did someone say 'very fuzzy'? Because that's what Trump calls me. Sorry if no one actually said that. My hearing is bad, plain and simple."

Then Mike Pence was like, "Did somebody say 'plain and simple'? Because that's what Trump calls me. Sorry if no one actually said that. My mistake."

Then Don Jr. was like, "Did someone say 'mistake'? 'Cause that's what my dad calls me."

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

President Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un met tonight in Singapore after we taped our show. So if you're watching this on TV right now, either it went well, or you have a TV in your fallout shelter.

According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un brought his own toilet to Singapore for his summit with President Trump to prevent intelligence agencies from using the sewer to get information on his health. Intelligence agencies were like, “We're just going to go ahead and guess ‘bad,’ then?”

NBA Hall of Famer Dennis Rodman arrived in Singapore today ahead of President Trump's summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. So at least if Kim launches a nuclear missile, Rodman will be there to grab the rebound.

The Broadway show "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child" won best play at last night's Tony Awards — while the worst play was still that one by J.R. Smith.

Nordstrom is launching a new home and wellness collection that features a marijuana-scented candle. You can use it to cover up the smell when you get stoned on vanilla.

Facebook has announced a new page called "Memories" that will show users photos from the past. It's better than the original title for the page, "When You Were Thinner."

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

Tomorrow is the big summit meeting between President Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. Trump spent the day preparing for the summit, which basically means he wrote on his hands, "South Korea good, North Korea bad," so he doesn't get confused.

When asked by reporters how he will know if North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is serious about a peace treaty, President Trump said he will use his "touch" and "feel." This may not be a great plan. The last time Trump used his touch and feel method, he had to pay Stormy Daniels $130,000.

Honestly, it may work. After three minutes of being touched and felt by Trump, Kim Jong Un is just going to shout, "Fine! Take the nukes! Whatever you want, just stop touching me!"

The Tony Awards was last night — or as I call it, the Super Bowl — and it was absolutely wonderful. The moment everyone was buzzing about was when Robert De Niro had to be censored for saying on stage "f*** Trump." And today, angry Trump supporters everywhere are pretending that they actually watch the Tony Awards.

People were saying that it was brave for Robert De Niro to do this. It was a pretty liberal show-business audience, so really, saying "f*** Trump" at the Tonys is like saying "f*** cardio" at a Waffle House. I hate to be cynical, but I think De Niro's just promoting his next movie, "Meet the Trump Fockers."

After IHOP announced they would be changing their name to IHOb with a "b," the company revealed today with great fanfare that the "b" stands for "burgers." This is excellent news, because since I moved to America, I've been asking myself, "Where can I find a burger? I've looked high and low and you just can't find one here."

Listen, I know most of the people eating at IHOP are drunk, but I didn't know the people running the company were as well. Right now, the "b" stands for burger and then in two weeks, the "b" will almost definitely stand for "bankruptcy."

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