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Tuesday May 22 2018

The Tonight Show Starring with Conan

A sinkhole has opened up on the White House lawn. So apparently, another one of Melania's tunnels collapsed.

President Trump has demanded that Congress investigate the special prosecutor who is investigating him. Trump's remarks were published in this morning's issue of "Things Innocent People Say."

President Trump met with the president of South Korea to discuss North Korea. The meeting consisted of five minutes about nuclear weapons, and 90 minutes of Trump saying, "So wait – which Korea are you again?"

The U.S. Postal Service announced that they will release their first scratch-and-sniff stamps. That explains why they’ve canceled their "Salute to Kid Rock."

The Tonight Show Starring with Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump said his big meeting with Kim Jong Un might not happen. Trump and Kim have been going back and forth over where to meet and who will be there. Even friends group-texting about brunch were like, "Make a decision already, I mean, come on!"

The meeting might get called off. Apparently, Kim Jong Un didn't like Trump's idea of the two of them riding through the streets in a horse-drawn carriage.

But Trump wants the meeting to take place. He said if Kim Jong Un agrees to meet, he can guarantee Kim's safety. Trump promises to test Kim's food before he eats it and keep testing it until it's totally gone.

White House aides have told Trump to switch out his cellphone on a monthly basis, but he says it's too inconvenient. Trump's like, "The only thing I switch out on a monthly basis is my staff.”

The Tonight Show Starring with Seth Meyers

President Trump said today that if North Korea agrees to denuclearize he can guarantee leader Kim Jong Un's safety, saying, "He will be safe, he will be happy, his country will be rich." Wait a minute. Why does he get a better deal than we do?

He'll be safe, happy, and rich — are you a negotiator or a genie?

After announcing that people no longer need to make a purchase to use the bathroom, Starbucks clarified the policy and said the spaces should be used "as intended." Though if you've ever been in a Starbucks bathroom, you know no one is using them as intended.

Hasbro has filed to trademark the scent of Play-Doh. Hasbro describes the scent as a "sweet, slightly musky vanilla fragrance with slight overtones of cherry, combined with the smell of a salted wheat-based dough." While kids are describing it as "delicious."

The Tonight Show Starring with Corden

There was some breaking news today from the nation's capital. Apparently, a sinkhole has just appeared on the North Lawn of the White House. Well, you can't fault Mother Nature for trying.

I hope Trump has some success filling this hole, because he definitely hasn’t filled the one left by Obama.

Meanwhile, Melania's like, "Oh, no, they've discovered my escape tunnel!"

In anticipation of the upcoming meeting between Donald Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, the U.S. government has minted a commemorative coin. It's the only coin in history where if you flip it, no matter what side it lands on, everyone loses.

This morning, Trump told reporters that the planned meeting with Kim Jong Un "may not work out," adding, "If it doesn't happen, maybe it will happen later." They made a commemorative coin for something that may not happen. That's like the Cleveland Browns making rings that say, "Super Bowl Champions Eventually. Someday. Maybe. Who Knows?"

The U.S. Postal Service announced on Monday that it will soon issue its first scratch-and-sniff stamps. Finally, a stamp that smells like a real bald eagle.

The stamps will come in scents like strawberry, orange, and chocolate. What a delightful, fun, and interactive way to find out you're being evicted from your apartment.

This week AT&T announced that later this year they will start selling a smartphone that will feature a holographic display that projects 3D images that can be seen from the sides and from behind. And even more exciting, you still won't get reception in your kitchen.

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